All You Can Eat, Baby.

You know that when we take the time out of our amazingly busy days to
tell you about an event...it must be a doozy.

Well listen up, and get your fork ready.

This Saturday, there is an all you can eat sausage and pancake breakfast.

Yeah yeah, we know. It's short notice.
Fact is, we know most of you have an attention span that's no longer
than our derriere hairs.

And it's not like you had anything that could possibly more fun planned already.

Right?

So now that we've talked about food and our buttocks, it's information time.

Where: EKCC (corner of 7th st. and Powers dr./across from Martin Elementary)
Time: 5am to 10am
How Much: Only $5 for adults, $3 kids 10-4, and kids 3 or under eat free.
Benefit: It benefits the EKCC, which does great things for the local children
and many other groups in the community.

So get out there this Saturday morning, and bring your appetite.

Seriously.

We have a vested interest in this event.
And it's also for a really great cause.
So please go.

Hell you might even spot us.

We'll be the ones with a pancake on our head...

like this bunny.


Don't forget to tip your waitress.

39 Years Old, And Ready To Retire.

I know a few people that could fit this headline, but the fact is, we
aren't talking about a person.

We are talking about a truck.

A truck that has served the NewK honorably for the last 14,240 days or so.
(We threw in a few extra days to account for leap years, so back off, Nerd.)

That's right kids...

New Kensington No. 3 fire department is ready for a new ride.

But I promise you this, we here at thenewk.com will surely miss Jenny
at this year's Christmas parade.

Now, we aren't sure that Jennifer is the truck's real name.
What we do know that Jennifer was the most popular name for girls in 1970.
(So the odds are with us that we are correct, Nerd.)

We also read that someone has already bid like $1200 for Jenny.

Seriously? $1200?

We paid nearly that much for an old canoe.

If the bidding is open to the public, we might plan on going public sooner than
we first had planned. We need some of that capitol right now.

Could you imagine a big old tricked out Newk firetruck rolling up
Freeport Rd., and pulling into the DQ to get a medium cone with sprinkles?

We'd have all our friends sitting on top of it, like they were the varsity football
team, and they'd be throwing candy at people as we drive by.

Parade style, Sucka.

Sunday Brunch, Not So Much.

So as you've probably realized by now, we kinda like to eat.

Which was the case this past Sunday.

We just finished shopping for some new digs, when our collective bellies
started to grumble and rumble like a storm heading up the Allegheny.

It was a little bit after 12:00 noon, and we needed to nosh it up.

"Let's head to the Burrell Inn and grab some grub."
- Car Passenger

"Word up."
- Me

So we pull into a primo spot, and head in through the dining area door.

We notice a half eaten salad and some fries just chillin' on one of the tables, but
other than that, there are no signs of life back there.

There are a few gents enjoying a Sunday afternoon cold one or ten at the bar.
That was the first sign there were employees actually working.

After hoping someone would stroll through the swinging kitchen door for way
too many minutes, we nominated someone to go ask the bartender for assistance
in ordering our yummy morsels.

Sadly, as soon as he set forth in the beer garden regions, she disappeared, ala
Marion Hossa in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Even though we hadn't even been given one, it was the last straw.
It was time to make a move.

And we're off...

"Why don't we hit up Hanes, yo?"
-Car Passenger

"Word up."
- Me

*You should all note, that I was planning to review whatever restaurant we ate at.

We find another sweet parking spot, and jump out "clown car" style.

We avoid the bar entrance, and head toward the dining entrance once again, as the
sight of too many afternoon drinkers depresses us.

The most attractive of the group reached for the door handle, with a smile on her
beautifully radiant face, that provides so much delight to me on a daily basis.
(Hi, hunny!)

But no matter how bright her smile can make a room light up, that door just
refused to open and allow us in.

Unreal.

Back to the car.

"How about Fibber's, or Around the Back Cafe?"
- Beautiful Car Passenger

"Word up."
- Me

We didn't even have to get out of the car for either of those joints.

Shaq'd.
(-verb: see also 'rejected')
(For those of you that don't speak our language.)

Now, I know what you are all thinking...

"Why don't you cross the street and hit up the China Lobster? They are always open."

One of our party doesn't dig on chinese buffet.
That's why, so stop bugging her!

At this point, I was a little fed up.
I was almost ready to give in and just order like 13 JBC's at Wendy's.

Lucky for my passengers, I had a half tank of petro, and a strong desire
to eat some decent kibble.

So I hopped on 56, and cruised our way to G&G Restaurant in Vandergrift.
Now this is where you get screwed...

We already reviewed that place, to be honest, it's the only one we've
actually done so far.

Too bad for you.

So we got there just in time to order before the kitchen closed for the day.
It was outstanding. As always.

You can read our original review HERE.

Random Picture Monday (07-13-09)

The sign should say:

"Restaurant Open - *except on Sundays"
Because they weren't open yesterday.

Jerks.

All Hail

I need you to listen up, because this might be the most important thing
we've ever had to say.

Seriously. Ever.

We've talked about life, death, family, friends, love, Big Brother and all
kinds of other life changing issues.

So let us get right down to it.

For the last 2 years or so, we here in the Newk area have been deprived.
Deprived of a basic American right.
A right that's as pure as an eagle's heart.
A right that shines like a lightning bug's ass, just before the fireworks go
off on the 4th of July.
A right as delicious as a Whopper with cheese, and a slice of Hershey Pie.

Wait.

That's exactly what we are talking about.

We have been without a local Burger King for way too long.

In one of the greatest mysteries to ever plague our little part of the world.
(Other than who stole Chessie, from Cheswick Pools back in 1992.
That one still needs put to bed.)

But didn't it seem like the big wigs at the BK had something against us?

The New Ken one shut down, Vandergrift turned off the lights for good,
Harmarville sh@t the bed, and we can't even remember if the Heights had one.

We put many a mile on our respective vehicles, making the journey to Golden Mile or
even the Etna exit for a Whopper Jr value meal and a wicked new crown.

But the unimaginable has happened...

The Harmar BK has reopened!

If we could make that last sentence flash red and gold and sparkly, like
those obnoxious myspace pictures, we would.

Yeah, the other day our significant other surprised us with a fresh and
scrumptious meal for lunch. It was amazing.

Jealous?

Yeah, I know you are.

So there you have it.
We had to alert our friends to this fact.

Now get out there and dine.
But please don't order all the hershey pies, cause they were out the other day.

Greedy oinkers.

-


Not quite red and gold sparkles, but we'll take it.

Too Nice Out...

It's a little too nice outside for us to be posting something.

And it's a little too nice outside for you to be on the interweb.

So do like we plan on doing...

Go grab a bite to eat for lunch, digest, and start thinking about what
to eat for dinner.

See you in a tidge.

Swisher Tweets

So we've gone ahead and done it.

"Done what, Newk? Did you solve the perpetual motion conundrum?"

No, but we're working on that.

Stop sidetracking us. We already suffer heavily from A.D.D..

Now where were we?

Mortal Combat, that game was intense.

Huh?

That's not what we were talking about.
Damn you attention span!

Let's get back on track...

Oh yeah, we've gone ahead and done it.
We've signed up for twitter.

We know, we know...twitter blows goat. And it will probably be obsolete
in a week and two days. But whatever. We did it anyways.

Call us what you will, but we actually have a dream that some of you
truly care about what we have to say. Even though you don't show us your
love by taking 2 seconds to sign up here and leave us a comment.

Inconsiderate bastards.

So anyways, we signed up for it and stuff. Yippie!

So take a look at our page, and follow us if you want to.
We promise not to tell you every little detail, like when we poop and stuff.





-home-

You Are Welcome, New Kensington.

If you were one of the many people that got to enjoy
the beautiful fireworks display in New Kensington this past
Saturday...you are welcome.

Now, you may be saying to yourself...

"Self, why are the wonderfully entertaining people at the Newk
claiming to be responsible for the fireworks I so enjoyed this past weekend?"

If that is in fact what you are asking yourself, here is an explanation.

A while back, we went on a bit of a rant about the city's plans for no
fireworks this Independence Day.

It seemed to be set in stone.

And then...something changed. There were whispers about a possible
display to be shot off somewhere other than along the Parnassus Freeway.

Those whispers got louder and louder as more and more hits to our little website, began
to resonate through the honorable chambers of city hall.

Fearing an uprising bigger than the one when King Kone decided to close up for good,
city officials and some volunteers made the dream come alive.

And if you were in the 15068 on the 4th, you now know what dreams
look like when they come to life...

Fireworks.

Yes, fireworks.
The same type of fireworks that we've all seen for the past 100 years or so.

Bet you never realized that dreams looked like regular old fireworks.

Seriously though, we probably didn't have anything to do with the show.
But that won't stop us from taking all the credit.

So again, from the bottom of our hearts...you are welcome, New Kensington.
May you remember those fireworks for the rest of your lives.

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
- George W. Bush

Random Picture Monday (07-06-09)

Welcome to the NewK.

NKCD Hangover.

Here are a few things we'd like to say to you before the holiday
weekend, that we should have said already this week, but we had a
community days hangover that is just starting to subside...

- The Springdale carnival is ending this weekend, sorry we forgot to
mention it.

- Our suggested beer to celebrate the 4th, is Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy.

- Very sorry to hear about Dave's Bar burning down. We had never
actually gone in there, and we regret that fact. Best of luck, Dave
and family.

- We hope all of you enter next week with the same amount of
fingers/digits that you currently use to type in our web address.

- This was posted from our Blackberry, while lying in bed, listening
to the rain drops hit our window air-conditioning unit. We are
getting sleepy again.

- Make sure if you are cooking pork this weekend, that you get that
core temperature up to at least 160 degrees, so you don't get your
friends and family sick.

- Citronella candles are not the suggested candle for birthday cakes.

- Mitch Hedberg might have been the funniest human to ever live. We
plan to celebrate that fact this Sunday.

"You shouldn't put stickers on a fruit. I know it has a smooth surface, but come on, fu@k, leave it be. That's why I'm eating an apple, because it's a one hand operation. Sticker removal is a two hand operation. This hand said "Let me have a break" and I said "Sure, you can hang to the side. I will have an apple." And I'm eating the apple, "It's cool, hand, you're hanging. Oh sh*t, there's a sticker. Sorry, dude, but you're back in action."

-Mitch Hedberg

- If you must, go to youtube and play Lee Greenwood singing "God
Bless The USA" as many as 1,000,000 times to get you fired up for
America. (Or watch it right here.)

Be safe, and have fun. (We suggest drinking and fornication...that's what Lee Greenwood would do.)

They're Coming.

I stepped outside this afternoon, and I swear I heard the footsteps of
all the people involved in the PA. Hero Walk.

It sounded like they could be somewhere between here and Ligonier.

But, we could be wrong.
(Although that has never happened before.)

Either way, don't forget that they should be pulling into town sometime
around noon this coming Saturday.

There is a concert planned, and hopefully some fireworks to watch.
So get down to the Valley High sports supercenter, and show some damn support.


We'll see you there.

Community Daze

Hey everyone!

What a super busy weekend for us. Seriously.
We were all over the place.

But nothing was more important, than our annual trip to
the New Kensington community days celebration.

Lets jump right in.

We got there early in evening on Saturday.
The sun was shining, and we were more than happy to pay the
small fee for such a great cause.

As we walked into the park, we saw two shuttles.
But as we said before..."buses are for suckas."

Apparently, this was where the crafters signed-in the day before.
We could feel the magic in the air.

The walkway reminded us of Times Square in NYC.
(To be honest, I've never actually been to Times Square, but I could imagine
it looks just like this.)

Times Square ain't got nothing on the Turner's Premium Iced Tea classic car.

The first of 2 delicious fudge stands.
(We ended up buying our fudge quota at the other stand, but the
picture turned out all blurry and crap.)

(We surely agree with this sign though. Butter really does make it better.)

We neared the Lions stand, but, we didn't hear any roars.
(We did get lucky enough to hear Kenny Russell clear his throat, and say something
about a Mickey Morandini Donruss rated rookie card.)

There were a few new child friendly rides on the premises this year.
(The sinking Titanic seemed an odd choice, as it had us looking all over for Kate Winslet.)

(Our search was a bust.)

Debo, our favorite clown was in the house.
(No child goes without a balloon animal when he's around.)

Respect.

Dinner time.
Funnel Cake and Huggies, baby.
(This is how we picture heaven. Well, this and Potato Patch fries from Kennywood.
But we"ll save that for an upcoming post.)

We then hit the backstretch on our way out.
(The knockoff designer bag stand was poppin'. Once again reminding us of
Times Square, and the fact that we've never been there.)

So there you have it. Our 2009 trip to NKCD was a great success.
It is unfortunate that we were unable to stick around and listen t0 the
Beatles tribute band, but such is life.

Maybe it was a good thing. Because we remember reading about people
spontaneously combusting for unknown reasons. And we have a theory that
"too much fun" might be a cause yet discovered.


Wrap Up:
We saw many familiar faces, and even some we wanted to see.

We had a good time, and felt great about helping the fire departments.

We are still working on the fudge flavors we bought, but their days are numbered.

We would have loved to had an informational booth, so we could have
met many of our readers. Maybe next year.


I would keep writing, but my sweet tooth is calling for a chunk of
Caramel Pecan Turtle Fudge.

So...peace out, homies.




-home-

Random Picture Monday (06-29-09)

Never Forget.


New Ken Community Days write-up coming tomorrow.
Don't miss it.




-home-

Oh Sugar.

We must not have our heads on straight these days.

Why?

Because we almost overlooked the Oakmont Greek festival that's
happening this weekend, in Oakmont. Duh.

Now this takes our weekend over the edge.

We are already planning a raging time at NKCD, and are also planning
a grub fest at Kennywood Park.

Now we realize we need to save some room for stuffed grape leaves, lamb
shanks, spinach pies and Mediterranean chicken.

The 4 horsemen of Greek food.

We'll find a way to persevere.
Trust us.


"Opah!"

When: 5-11 p.m. Friday, 4-11 p.m. Saturday and 2-11 p.m. Sunday.
Dinner will be served until 9 all three days, and the patio grill and bar
will be open until 11 p.m. every night. Grecian Odyssey dancers
will perform twice an evening.

Where: Dormition of the Theotokos Greek Orthodox Church
12 Washington Ave., Oakmont

Getcha Mind Right.

It's happening.

This weekend.

You know what time it is.

You know the location.

You know the fudge flavors.

That's right, brothers and sisters...

It's the 18th Annual New Kensington Community Days!

Booyah.

We here at thenewk love NKCD. And you caught us right as we
were making our yearly checklist of things to do while there.

- Buy fudge.
- Enjoy some onstage entertainment.
- Spend boatloads of cash on food and drink tickets.
- Get an airbrush tattoo of a sweet dragon on our tramp-stamp spot.
- Chuck-a-luck, Muth@f-er!
- Eat an entire funnelcake, without using our hands.
- Shop at the hippie jewelry booth.
- Buy more fudge.
- Recognize people from high school.
- Act like we don't recognize the people we recognize from high school.
- Visit Deebo the Clown and get a balloon hat.
- Avoid the bingo tent at all costs.
- Use up extra food tickets by purchasing and chugging delicious huggies.
- Walk back to our vehicle.
(Buses are for suckas.)

So that is what we hope to do this year.

Will you be joining us?
Wanna get together for a huggie?

We hope you can make it, as it really is a great event that supports
the Fire Departments.

Here are the times:

Friday: 5pm - 11pm
Saturday: 11am - 11pm
Sunday: 11am - 5pm
Where: Memorial Park, New Kensington
Free shuttle buses from Valley High, and also from Hillcrest Shopping Center

Riding The Rails?

For years now, there has been talk of a commuter train cruising people from
the Newk area down to the beautiful city of Pittsburgh.

Now, this "talk" we speak of, usually happened in area barbershops
and taverns. But it seems that trend is changing.

It's looking like this could be more than just jibber-jabber.
The Westmoreland County transit officials might be making this dream
a reality. And for much less money than they first thought.

They are actually considering 2 of these direct lines.

One starting here in Arnold, with stops in New Ken, Oakmont,
Verona and Penn Hills before coming to rest at Penn Station in Pittsburgh.

The other would start in Latrobe, and make stops in Greeensburg, Jeannette,
and a few other places we could care less about.

They say the Arnold line, would take just 45 minutes to get
to the Burgh', and they'd expect a minimum of 2,700 daily riders.

They asked state rep. John Pallone about this, and he had things to say.

~
The things he said really aren't worth the time it would take us to type them out. To be honest, what we are typing now is a good bit longer than the actual quotes. But it's too late to turn back now. Could you imagine how long it would take us to delete everything we just typed, then retype everything he said? I'd have to guess that with our 3 finger typing method, and our lack of concentration...it would take up to 7 minutes to do all that. Now let's think about this. There are a lot of things we can do in 7 minutes. Shall we count them down?

1. Take an entire shower (Well, not including our ankles. Seriously, how
dirty do ankles get on a daily basis?).
2. Eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch.
3. Watch 2 youtube videos featuring Louie100.
4. Check out the latest gossip pictorial at hollywoodtuna.com.
5. Watch the entire 7 Minute Abs video while eating Pop-Tarts.
6. Fold a freshly finished load of bath towels.
7. Make love to 6 women and have time left over for a smoke.
8. Top off our gas tank and grab a Death Dog at Sheetz.

There are limitless things we could do with 7 minutes, but quoting
State Rep. John Pallone is not one of those.
~

Could you imagine not having to drive Rte. 28 every time you needed to go
downtown? My nip-nips are hard just thinking about it.

Heading to the South Side and not have to worry about driving home.
Oh, I'd be livin' the dream.


~
You can voice your opinion about this matter at a public hearing on
June 30th at New Kensington City Hall.

Public comments will be heard from 6-9pm, and a formal presentation
will be given at 7:30pm. See you there!



-home-

Random Picture Monday (06-22-09)

I will make a post in the comments section about the most memorable
movie that I've ever seen here.

We suggest you do the same.




-home-

Hey Dad.

"Hey dad, do you need another tie?"

Please allow me to answer that question for you...

no.

Look it. Father's Day is this Sunday, and you are probably
in the same situation that we're in. No gift yet for Pops.

Dad don't want a tie, nose-hair trimmer, "For Dummies" book, pen set,
monogrammed hankies, or even some sweet silky boxers.
(How do we know? Cause we asked him, that's how. Now shut up and listen.)

And forget the flask. How many dads do you know that carry a
flask to work everyday?

Now, we were able to find out what he doesn't want. But getting him to tell
us what he did want, proved to be more than we bargained for.

So this year, we suggest you get creative. Seriously, what's the risk?

Take him to his favorite breakfast/lunch dive, buy him some scratch off
tickets, grab a 12 pack of Labatt's and watch the final round of the
U.S. Open with him.

Worst case scenario:
You eat some greasy grub and catch a light Sunday afternoon buzz.

Best case scenario:
You eat some greasy grub and catch a light Sunday afternoon buzz,
Dad thanks you for hanging out with him, and gives you a pat on your
prematurely balding head.


Either way, it sounds like a perfect Father's Day to us.


-
Go Rocco.



-home-

What's That We Smell?

There is a familiar smell in the air around here these days.
A smell that hasn't been smelled around here for years.

(We apologize if you are one of the people that has lost your
sense of smell from taking Zicam.)

It's a smell that takes us back to the good old days.
All the way back to the 1900's.
(1998 to be exact.)

Seriously.

Constitution Blvd. isn't the street many people associate with good smells.
Well, not lately at least.

But things in the Newk are always changing, and sometimes for the better.

So what is this aromatic sensation we are talking about?

It's the smell of fresh baking bread at Mazziotti's Bakery.

Hallelujah!
It's been 4 years since we have caressed your golden loaves.

Way too long.

So from all of us here at theNEWK.com, (all 1 of me)
thank you, Carmella Mazziotti, for making the greatest comeback since
a young kid asked me "do you need a license to be that ugly?"

St. Carmella, the patron saint of deliciousness.


And to answer that kid's comeback/question...
"Ask your mom."




-home-

The End Is Near.

We are posting from our blackberry, because we feel this is important
enough to tell you immediately. (Not that more than maybe 2 of you
will actually read this while its relevant.)

Fact is, the weather is terrible out there. Thunder and lightning and
tornado warnings...oh my.

If we get blown away, just know that we loved each and every one of you.

Nighthawks Over the NewK?

While relaxing at home this past Saturday (around noonish), I heard a noise
not native to the Newk.

Don't get me wrong. I've heard Life-flight, and I have even heard police
copters (back in the days of 'TriggerLock').

But this level of atmosphere moving force was unlike anything we've encountered.
So I grabbed our trusty camera and went to work.

Here is a shot of the heli in action.


I was like... "whoa."

Now, just a fly-by would be weird enough, but this thing was just cruising
around our skies like he was hunting Bin Laden.
(Seriously though, if Bin Laden was in this area, wouldn't he be hiding out in the
hills of Hyde Park or something?)

I think they noticed me staring and taking photos, so they decided to abort
"Mission: Be Loud As Hell," and headed back toward wherever is was they came from...

Harwick, maybe?


Whatever.

I guess it's just one of those things that makes living here so exciting.
Well that, and the Sheetz on Constitution.



"Sheetz...M-T-Whoa."




-home-

Random Picture Monday (06-15-09)

Oink Oink.

Welcome Home, Stanley.

Pens make the coochie go wooo-wooo!

Thank you Penguins for an amazing season.

We would totally have your penguin babies.

Dear NewK...

We here at the NewK receive emails every now and again.

Some of them contain news.
Some tell us about events.
Some promise us dreams of bigger genitalia.

But every once in a while, one email sticks out more than the others.

Here is one of those...

Dearest NEWK-

I have been reading this site ever since I stumbled across it on the facebook. It keeps me informed, and also tends to make me smile. I appreciate what you are doing. If I could make a suggestion? Please do more restaurant reviews, as I am very interested in your likes and dislikes. I am in no way stalking you all, it's just interesting to me. And while I'm at it, maybe answer a few questions for your readers?

What is your favorite color?
Who was your favorite high school teacher?
Are you good at sports?
Boxers or briefs?
What's your favorite beer?
Sexiest part of a woman's body?
iPhone or BlackBerry?
What's your home address?
Have you ever punched someone in the face?

Thanks,

15068er

So there you have it. We'll call it the email of the week.

We should probably answer these questions.

Let's do this.


What is your favorite color?
Red

Who was your favorite high school teacher?
Mr. Guzik. He failed me, but was hilarious while doing it.

Are you good at sports?
Does a bear climb a tree in Mt. Vernon?

Boxers or briefs?
Ventilated boxer briefs.

What's your favorite beer?
Leinenkugel Sunset Wheat.

Sexiest part of a woman's body?
Tramp stamp.

iPhone or BlackBerry?
You know what they say, "blacker the berry."

What's your home address?
724 Creepy Question Dr. New Kensington, Pa. 15068

Have you ever punched someone in the face?
Does family count?


Do you feel any closer to us now?
We didn't think so.

Either way, all of your comments and emails are cherished by us.
So please keep sending them.
theNEWK

Have a great weekend everybody.

-home-

Dirtydale.

It seems that an unspecified soot is raining down on
the town known as Springdale.

People noticed the dirt on their vehicles and their homes.
(I also noticed something 2 weeks ago on my Glen's Custard chocolate cone,
that didn't look like any sprinkle I've ever seen.)

It took me 2 seconds to realize I was going to eat that cone, even if
a goose dropped a fly-by sky deuce on it. So I forewent the drawn out
task of using my Popeil forensics kit that would have been required for a refund.

So back to the real story...

Samples were collected and taken to the local soot factory
to see if it were theirs.

It wasn't theirs. If you can believe it.

It was then thought that the power plant might be responsible.
Never.

They agreed to get the unknown substance tested to see if they
were be the ones to bitch at.

The plant also said it could be ash from the weekend restart of the facility.
Which they said has happened in the past.

Fear not, friends. The Allegheny Health Department is on top of it.

"This is soot that, while it is a nuisance, doesn't pose any long-term public health issues," Zazac (AHD spokesman) said.

Whatever.
We've always wanted to meet the real Erin Brockovich.