Spring Cleaning

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Spring Cleaning (or, Douchebags Never Change,) (or, Don’t be an A-Hole.)

Ahhh, spring. The time when a young man’s fancy goes to one thing. (No, not that, you pervs.) I’m talking exterior home and neighborhood improvement. It’s still a bit early to be thinking about paint and landscaping (although you should be planning now,) but it’s not too early to take a walk out in the beautiful sunshine we’re going to have the next few days to scope out the damage that Old Man Winter left behind.

I remain astounded and slightly appalled by the tremendous amount of litter on my street. I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, but I always am. I know it’s been cold, but now’s the time to get out and pick it up. It’s surprising to see what the monster snow left behind as it melted away, glacier-style. McConnell’s Mill got giant boulders; I got candy wrappers.

I just came in from spending about thirty minutes picking up some random litter directly in front of my house, which then spread to the empty house next door, which eventually got me all the way up and down the street. I filled an entire garbage bag. Not a Giant Eagle bag...a garbage bag. In my travels I picked up a lot of candy and fast food wrappers, several shirts, some underwear, and one shoe. (How do you lose one shoe?) By watching a lot of CSI I can deduce that the litterbug profile is a thoughtless obese smoking douchebag who goes commando. I know this because I’ve seen evidence of your diet and I’ve picked up your underwear (with gloves.)

To the litterbugs, I say stop it. Right effing now. You know better. Don’t be an a-hole. Five-year-olds know better, you dick.

I also paid some random contractor who happened to be down the street twenty bucks to cut down a tree that was growing out of the sidewalk of the empty house next door. It started as a weed, but grew into a tree 7” in diameter. Best twenty bucks I’ll spend today. After saturating the stump with weed killer Agent Orange-style, I dragged the scraps into their backyard. Their tree is still on their property; I simply moved it from the front to the back.

Again, don’t be an a-hole. Take care of your stuff. A little effort by everyone goes a long way.

Trash day is Friday. Go pick up the crap in your street. I can’t do it alone. If there’s no crap in your street, good for you...but I’ll bet those gutters could stand a little paint...

-Anonymous

So from here on out, when we tell you something,
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We told you that was some good stuff right there.