Thursday, May 31, 2012

Keepin An Eye Out

New Ken and Arnold have teamed up on all kinds of stuff 
over the many years they've shared together. 

And the new crime watch group may be one of the best 
partnerships yet. 

See, each city has its own crime block watches. 

But this group plans on linking them all together, to form a better 
network of crime-stoppers. 

Crime-Stoppers may not be the best name for them. 

Which is likely why they didn't choose that one. 

That was all us. 

Anyways, the group plans on sharing information, which in turn should 
make a huge difference. 

Each block group will select a leader, and the leaders will meet a few times a year. 

They will also turn in anonymous tips to the police. 

So think twice before doing any shady stuff in our fair towns. 

Because we have eyes everywhere. 


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Storms Wuz Crazy

It's been so long since our last email from Frank the Stank, that 
we actually started to worry if he were alive or not. 

He usually contacts us pretty regularly. 

We don't post every email. 

Although some of you wish we did. 

He seems to have quite the fan base. 

Anyways, here is what Frank had to say... 

What up newk dudes. i aint had the internets in a while cuz my moms lost her part time gig at the gas station. i cant even remimber what alls i had to talk about since the last time. but how about the rain today. them storms wuz crazy. the window in our appartment was ratteling like a sumbeetch. i thought our pink flamingo out front was gunna go flyin down the street. then i remimbered those kinda birds cant fly so i stopped sweating it. moms was  out on the porch tryin to light her misty light 100 and was gettin heated cuz the flame kept going out. haha. i was cracking up watching her. oh yeah. have yall seem game o thrones on the hbo. my nieghbour be letting me watch wit him if i bring a twelver of keystone ice. its mad werth it cause they be showing crazy amounts of nipple on that show. 

keepin it real
frank the stank

 We agree with Frank on a few points in his email. 

1. The weather was mad crazy. 
2. Not being able to properly ignite your Misty Light 100 is flat out hilarious. 
3. Boobs are well worth a few cans of cheap brew. 

For those of you out there that aren't fans of Frank. 

And you know who you are. 

Please consider the wisdom and insight within his emails. 

You never know where you may learn your next lesson in life. 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Well Done, Darren

We would like to congratulate a great friend of 

Darren Myers from Burrell, took 6th place at states in the 200m, and 
8th place in the 100m dashes. 

What an amazing year, for a great kid. 

If colleges aren't looking at him and considering scholarships, they 
are making a huge mistake. 

Not only is he fast, he is smart. 

Most adults we know can learn a lot about work ethic from him. 

We see great things in Darren's future. 

Best of luck, fine sir. 

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day 2012

Enjoy everything this great day has to offer.

And remember, and be thankful for, the people who made it possible.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Good Luck and Be Safe

We would like to wish our good friend Darren Meyers the 
best of luck out east today. 

He is running in a few events at the high school state championships. 

With his best chance at glory in the 200, which he took gold in 
recently at the WPIAL meet. 

Darren is a damn fine young American. 

Kick ass, young man. 

Speaking of America. 

Have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend. 

See you at the parade. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Growing As A Community

We told you a little while back about a fine group of folks looking 
to make a positive difference in downtown New Kensington. 

Yeah, we did. 

Look it up. 

So anyways, we got an update email the other day, and it turns out 
this past Saturday was planting day on Fifth ave. 

Here is the Press release and a few really great pictures. 

We want you to not only enjoy the pictures and release, but let in the 
idea of people really making a difference around here. 

We couldn't be more proud that we were part of this movement. 


 “The City of New Kensington, Westmoreland County Community College – New Kensington, local business owners  and community leaders  will be planting flowers and vegetables over the weekend on the initial phase of the New Kensington Community Garden. This cooperative project involves manually moving 20+ tons of topsoil into raised beds that will be utilized to raise heirloom vegetables in an urban environment. The vegetables grown and harvested from this educational/ revitalization project will be donated to local food banks. The garden is located on the 800 block of 5th Avenue in Downtown New Kensington on property owned by the City of New Kensington and the Redevelopment Authority of New Kensington.

All materials for this project were graciously donated by local businesses.

Topsoil (20 tons)– Steve Kubrick, Local Developer in New Kensington

Topsoil (3 tons) – Melwood Stone and Supply

Topsoil (3 tons) – Joseph Saeler, JoePaCo Enterprises

Flowers – Xuri Zhang, WCCC Horticulture Department

Vegetables – Dave Vargo, Owner of Arnold Feed & Kiski Feed and Garden Center

Mulch & Water Buffalo – City of New Kensington

Sign – WCCC Public Relations Department

Professional technical assistance is being volunteered by Penn State Master Gardener and WCCC Faculty member David Wohleber.

This project was conceptualized by Lindsay Woge and Joseph Morrison, owners of Fresh Heirlooms of 5th Avenue in New Kensington and initiated by Patrick Coulson, Coordinator of WCCC New Kensington.

Mayor Tom Guzzo, City of New Kensington, and Kim McAfoose, Executive Director of the Redevelopment Authority  of New Kensington, have been instrumental in providing the leadership to successfully champion the project for the city.” 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Parade Wants You

We are more than just a spot to read about all the important 
happenings in this area. 

You may also find the occasional penis and fart joke. 

One other thing you may find, is information on how to be a part 
of the new-look Newk. 

And here is a chance for you and your business or group, to get 
involved, and get some pretty good exposure as well. 

This Monday, some wonderful people are organizing the annual 
New Ken/Arnold Memorial Day Parade. 

They have open spots in the Parade, which starts at Sam's Pop and 
Beer Shop, travels down Fifth, and ends at the memorial by 
People's Library in the Newk. 

(Report time is 9:30am)

If you need more information, please give Ron Sheetz a call @ 

And if you don't want to participate in the parade, make sure you get there 
nice and early to grab some prime curbage to watch and listen. 


Monday, May 21, 2012

Random Picture Monday (05-21-12)

Friday, May 18, 2012

Hail To The Chief

Thomas Klawinski was recently named the new police chief 
in New Kensington. 

He is a 20 year vet of our force, with 10 years as a detective. 

He replaces Ronald Zellers, who died not long ago of natural causes. 

We would personally like to wish him luck. 

And make sure he knows we are at his disposal. 

Anything you need, Chief. 

Just give us a shout. 


Have a great weekend, everyone. 

We surely will. 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Nothing Like Some Good Music

Today's post is gonna be simple. 

It's gonna be quick. 

And it's gonna give you something really fun to do on a Thursday evening. 

Tonight, at the Valley High Auditorium, you can be entertained by the 6th and 
7th grade bands. 

Jazz Bands. 
Concert Bands. 
The youth of our area. 

Why wouldn't you go? 

Hell, even if it's just to go into the auditorium for the first time since you 

We don't care what you reason. 

Our reason is to see our niece rock out. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It's A Liger

"It's pretty much my favorite animal."

Now, we've been hearing rumors for years that a mountain lion has 
been roaming the woods of the Alle-Kiski Valley. 

We put as much stock in that rumor, as we did about the Green Man 
that haunts Coxcomb Hill at midnight on rainy nights. 

But there seems to be a little more validity to this claim, as local 
residents are actually getting the large pussy in their rifle scopes. 

A local man even got off a shot, but missed. 

He said the cat was around 70 or so pounds. 

The local game commission doesn't agree though. 

The think people are seeing a bobcat, as there are many living in this area. 

Mountain lions weigh in at about 140 lbs, while bobcats come in around 40. 

And being as how men generally error on the high-side of their guesses about size 
of things (not us - hubba hubba), we are figuring it was a bobcat that was seen. 

And we hope that's the case. 

We don't have the stamina or speed to get away from a 7-foot long lion. 

Hell, we don't have the stamina and speed for a proper whoopie session. 

But we do our best, and that's what counts. 

Right, ladies? 

Meh, who cares what you floozies think anyways. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


We've made it rather clear that we are pretty big sports fans around here. 

We've also made it clear that it doesn't take all that much 
effort to entertain us. 

So when we caught wind of this video last night, we couldn't stop 
watching it. 


We hit the replay button no less than 200 times. 

At first we thought it was fake. 

As you will soon see, it is almost too good to be true. 

But the reaction of the people involved made us believers. 

Check this out. 

Could it be... 


Monday, May 14, 2012

Random Picture Monday (05-14-12)

Some sort of carnival action at the Mills. 

Happy belated Mothers Day! 

Friday, May 11, 2012

God Bless The L.E.E.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the release of 
one of the greatest songs ever written by a man 
with a lazy eye. 

Thank you, Lee Greenwood. 

love ya, T.
happy birthday! 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

As we sat around the Newk offices last night, wondering what to 
write about today, a few things came up... 

The fire at Hanes' in LBC. 
The recent rains. 
The new signs that adorn the street lights downtown. 

But as we talked about these hot topics, a familiar 
sound shot from our flatscreen's speakers... 

 "At Kellerman's we come together, visitors, staff and guests..." 

 Yeah, it was the familiar sound of Mr. Kellerman's lisp that snatched every 
last fiber of our attention.

We not only watched the sweet final dance scene, we threw the dvd in, and relived 
one of the greatest movies in which Jerry Orbach ever said... 

"I know you weren't the one that got Penny in trouble." 

It's safe to say that the rest of the night was filled with beverages, and sing-alongs. 

Oh, and quotes... tons of quotes. 

Hopefully you understand. 

Dirty Dancing has a strange power over us. 

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

#11 In Your Programs

We have breaking news (on good authority) that your own Valley Viking, 
Toney Clemons, signed a 4 year deal with the Pittsburgh Steelers. 

We didn't hear of the exact contract terms, but them signing the seventh round 
local product is awesome news. 

He will likely be competing for one open spot at wideout. 

Further congrats, Toney. 

We can't wait to see all those 11 jerseys walking the streets of the Newk. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Mine Is Bigger Than Yours

The new Sheetz in Lower Burrell has been open for a few weeks now. 

And that place is busier than the condom machine at a rehab clinic. 

Seriously, we've stood in line there, more than J-Dub (with a pocket full
of quarters) has for some Magnums. 

People are in there buying everything.

Sunflower Seeds

Hell, add Cheetos to that, and it's our shopping list.

In the latest Sheetz news, New Ken is getting a new one.

That's right, the historic landmark at the corner of Constitution and Seventh
will be no longer likely by next year.

The former Costa car dealership by the House of 1000 Beers (one of our favorite pit stops)
will be the new location.

And the store being built will be bigger than the new LBC store.

Take that, Baby Blue!

We are planning a walk down the Newk Sheetz Memory Lane, and we need
your help.

Please send us any interesting tidbits via email.

If you are lucky, we will post it at some point down the line.

And even if we don't post it, we will likely read it and talk amongst ourselves
about you.

Which is almost as cool. 


Monday, May 7, 2012

Random Picture Monday (05-07-12)

Glen's ain't the only game in town.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Not Horsing Around

We have more than a couple vices around here. 

Curse Words 
Anything Hostess Makes 

Speaking of gambling, tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby. 

We live for this race day. 

All the excitement. 
All the pagentry. 
All the cigar stench... 

Can be found just a short jaunt down 28 in Harmar. 

We will get there nice and early, so our brains are perfectly lubed 
up to make decisions effecting our bank account. 

We, along with a few thousand other local race fans, will turn 
the meadows floor into a blanket of losing tickets. 

And we wouldn't have it any other way. 

Maybe we'll see you down there? 

Maybe we won't recognize you, due to over cosumption of Mint Julips? 

Either way, you should probably drop a couple bucks on Hansen. 

He's the horse we are gonna lose our money on. 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Calling All Duffers

There are very few things in this world, that cause us to stop acting 
like jagoffs, and get serious for a minute. 

That very thing happened when we got a phone call from one of our 
dearest friends. 

He told us the tragic story of a young man and woman that just had their 
first son, Luca. 

Not long after childbirth, Jennifer was diagnosed with cancer. 

They put together a benefit golf outing, and are having a tough time filling 
in some spots. 

It is coming soon, and looks to be one of the best outings of the season. 

We ask you to give your golf buddies a call, and tell them about this event. 

Here are the deets: 

 click for bigger image 

 If any of our local business friends would like to sponsor a team, or if 
anyone else has any questions, please email us at

Thank you.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Pitsburgh Vikings

If you were one of the millions of people that watched every single minute 
of the NFL Draft, the seventh round was likely a highlight for you. 

As many of you Yinzers know, Valley grad Toney Clemons was selected 
by the Steelers. 

Toney graduated from Valley back in 2006. 

He went to Michigan, then headed out West to play in the Pac12 for 

His Colorado days being much more productive. 

He wasn't high on many draft boards coming into draft season, but he turned 
some heads at his pro-day, and it paid off. 

He will fight for a roster spot this summer in Latrobe, behind a talented group 
of wideouts. 

We are happy and proud of Toney. 

And wish him the best of luck. 

Go Vikes! 

Writing this story reminded us of the 80's, when Billy Callahan got drafted 
by the Steelers. 

When he still played for Pitt, we young Newkers spent a day at the Panther's 
summer workouts, and hung out with Billy and Coach Foge Fazio. 

We still love coach Fazio's first name. 

We then got to talk to Billy at Steelers training camp at St. Vincent's. 

That was big-time in our eyes. 

Still is, actually.