Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Community Daze

Hey everyone!

What a super busy weekend for us. Seriously.
We were all over the place.

But nothing was more important, than our annual trip to
the New Kensington community days celebration.

Lets jump right in.

We got there early in evening on Saturday.
The sun was shining, and we were more than happy to pay the
small fee for such a great cause.

As we walked into the park, we saw two shuttles.
But as we said before..."buses are for suckas."

Apparently, this was where the crafters signed-in the day before.
We could feel the magic in the air.

The walkway reminded us of Times Square in NYC.
(To be honest, I've never actually been to Times Square, but I could imagine
it looks just like this.)

Times Square ain't got nothing on the Turner's Premium Iced Tea classic car.

The first of 2 delicious fudge stands.
(We ended up buying our fudge quota at the other stand, but the
picture turned out all blurry and crap.)

(We surely agree with this sign though. Butter really does make it better.)

We neared the Lions stand, but, we didn't hear any roars.
(We did get lucky enough to hear Kenny Russell clear his throat, and say something
about a Mickey Morandini Donruss rated rookie card.)

There were a few new child friendly rides on the premises this year.
(The sinking Titanic seemed an odd choice, as it had us looking all over for Kate Winslet.)
(Our search was a bust.)

Debo, our favorite clown was in the house.
(No child goes without a balloon animal when he's around.)

Dinner time.
Funnel Cake and Huggies, baby.
(This is how we picture heaven. Well, this and Potato Patch fries from Kennywood.
But we"ll save that for an upcoming post.)

We then hit the backstretch on our way out.
(The knockoff designer bag stand was poppin'. Once again reminding us of
Times Square, and the fact that we've never been there.)

So there you have it. Our 2009 trip to NKCD was a great success.
It is unfortunate that we were unable to stick around and listen t0 the
Beatles tribute band, but such is life.

Maybe it was a good thing. Because we remember reading about people
spontaneously combusting for unknown reasons. And we have a theory that
"too much fun" might be a cause yet discovered.

Wrap Up:
We saw many familiar faces, and even some we wanted to see.

We had a good time, and felt great about helping the fire departments.

We are still working on the fudge flavors we bought, but their days are numbered.

We would have loved to had an informational booth, so we could have
met many of our readers. Maybe next year.

I would keep writing, but my sweet tooth is calling for a chunk of
Caramel Pecan Turtle Fudge.

So...peace out, homies.


Monday, June 29, 2009

Random Picture Monday (06-29-09)

Never Forget.

New Ken Community Days write-up coming tomorrow.
Don't miss it.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Oh Sugar.

We must not have our heads on straight these days.


Because we almost overlooked the Oakmont Greek festival that's
happening this weekend, in Oakmont. Duh.

Now this takes our weekend over the edge.

We are already planning a raging time at NKCD, and are also planning
a grub fest at Kennywood Park.

Now we realize we need to save some room for stuffed grape leaves, lamb
shanks, spinach pies and Mediterranean chicken.

The 4 horsemen of Greek food.

We'll find a way to persevere.
Trust us.


When: 5-11 p.m. Friday, 4-11 p.m. Saturday and 2-11 p.m. Sunday.
Dinner will be served until 9 all three days, and the patio grill and bar
will be open until 11 p.m. every night. Grecian Odyssey dancers
will perform twice an evening.

Where: Dormition of the Theotokos Greek Orthodox Church
12 Washington Ave., Oakmont

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Getcha Mind Right.

It's happening.

This weekend.

You know what time it is.

You know the location.

You know the fudge flavors.

That's right, brothers and sisters...

It's the 18th Annual New Kensington Community Days!


We here at thenewk love NKCD. And you caught us right as we
were making our yearly checklist of things to do while there.

- Buy fudge.
- Enjoy some onstage entertainment.
- Spend boatloads of cash on food and drink tickets.
- Get an airbrush tattoo of a sweet dragon on our tramp-stamp spot.
- Chuck-a-luck, Muth@f-er!
- Eat an entire funnelcake, without using our hands.
- Shop at the hippie jewelry booth.
- Buy more fudge.
- Recognize people from high school.
- Act like we don't recognize the people we recognize from high school.
- Visit Deebo the Clown and get a balloon hat.
- Avoid the bingo tent at all costs.
- Use up extra food tickets by purchasing and chugging delicious huggies.
- Walk back to our vehicle.
(Buses are for suckas.)

So that is what we hope to do this year.

Will you be joining us?
Wanna get together for a huggie?

We hope you can make it, as it really is a great event that supports
the Fire Departments.

Here are the times:

Friday: 5pm - 11pm
Saturday: 11am - 11pm
Sunday: 11am - 5pm
Where: Memorial Park, New Kensington
Free shuttle buses from Valley High, and also from Hillcrest Shopping Center

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Riding The Rails?

For years now, there has been talk of a commuter train cruising people from
the Newk area down to the beautiful city of Pittsburgh.

Now, this "talk" we speak of, usually happened in area barbershops
and taverns. But it seems that trend is changing.

It's looking like this could be more than just jibber-jabber.
The Westmoreland County transit officials might be making this dream
a reality. And for much less money than they first thought.

They are actually considering 2 of these direct lines.

One starting here in Arnold, with stops in New Ken, Oakmont,
Verona and Penn Hills before coming to rest at Penn Station in Pittsburgh.

The other would start in Latrobe, and make stops in Greeensburg, Jeannette,
and a few other places we could care less about.

They say the Arnold line, would take just 45 minutes to get
to the Burgh', and they'd expect a minimum of 2,700 daily riders.

They asked state rep. John Pallone about this, and he had things to say.

The things he said really aren't worth the time it would take us to type them out. To be honest, what we are typing now is a good bit longer than the actual quotes. But it's too late to turn back now. Could you imagine how long it would take us to delete everything we just typed, then retype everything he said? I'd have to guess that with our 3 finger typing method, and our lack of concentration...it would take up to 7 minutes to do all that. Now let's think about this. There are a lot of things we can do in 7 minutes. Shall we count them down?

1. Take an entire shower (Well, not including our ankles. Seriously, how
dirty do ankles get on a daily basis?).
2. Eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

3. Watch 2 youtube videos featuring
4. Check out the latest gossip pictorial at hollywoodtuna.com.

5. Watch the entire 7 Minute Abs video while eating Pop-Tarts.

6. Fold a freshly finished load of bath towels.

7. Make love to 6 women and have time left over for a smoke.
8. Top off our gas tank and grab a Death Dog at Sheetz.

There are limitless things we could do with 7 minutes, but quoting
State Rep. John Pallone is not one of those.


Could you imagine not having to drive Rte. 28 every time you needed to go
downtown? My nip-nips are hard just thinking about it.

Heading to the South Side and not have to worry about driving home.
Oh, I'd be livin' the dream.

You can voice your opinion about this matter at a public hearing on
June 30th at New Kensington City Hall.

Public comments will be heard from 6-9pm, and a formal presentation
will be given at 7:30pm. See you there!


Monday, June 22, 2009

Random Picture Monday (06-22-09)

I will make a post in the comments section about the most memorable
movie that I've ever seen here.

We suggest you do the same.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Hey Dad.

"Hey dad, do you need another tie?"

Please allow me to answer that question for you...


Look it. Father's Day is this Sunday, and you are probably
in the same situation that we're in. No gift yet for Pops.

Dad don't want a tie, nose-hair trimmer, "For Dummies" book, pen set,
monogrammed hankies, or even some sweet silky boxers.
(How do we know? Cause we asked him, that's how. Now shut up and listen.)

And forget the flask. How many dads do you know that carry a
flask to work everyday?

Now, we were able to find out what he doesn't want. But getting him to tell
us what he did want, proved to be more than we bargained for.

So this year, we suggest you get creative. Seriously, what's the risk?

Take him to his favorite breakfast/lunch dive, buy him some scratch off
tickets, grab a 12 pack of Labatt's and watch the final round of the
U.S. Open with him.

Worst case scenario:
You eat some greasy grub and catch a light Sunday afternoon buzz.

Best case scenario:
You eat some greasy grub and catch a light Sunday afternoon buzz,
Dad thanks you for hanging out with him, and gives you a pat on your
prematurely balding head.

Either way, it sounds like a perfect Father's Day to us.

Go Rocco.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

What's That We Smell?

There is a familiar smell in the air around here these days.
A smell that hasn't been smelled around here for years.

(We apologize if you are one of the people that has lost your
sense of smell from taking Zicam.)

It's a smell that takes us back to the good old days.
All the way back to the 1900's.
(1998 to be exact.)


Constitution Blvd. isn't the street many people associate with good smells.
Well, not lately at least.

But things in the Newk are always changing, and sometimes for the better.

So what is this aromatic sensation we are talking about?

It's the smell of fresh baking bread at Mazziotti's Bakery.

It's been 4 years since we have caressed your golden loaves.

Way too long.

So from all of us here at theNEWK.com, (all 1 of me)
thank you, Carmella Mazziotti, for making the greatest comeback since
a young kid asked me "do you need a license to be that ugly?"

St. Carmella, the patron saint of deliciousness.

And to answer that kid's comeback/question...
"Ask your mom."


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The End Is Near.

We are posting from our blackberry, because we feel this is important
enough to tell you immediately. (Not that more than maybe 2 of you
will actually read this while its relevant.)

Fact is, the weather is terrible out there. Thunder and lightning and
tornado warnings...oh my.

If we get blown away, just know that we loved each and every one of you.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Nighthawks Over the NewK?

While relaxing at home this past Saturday (around noonish), I heard a noise
not native to the Newk.

Don't get me wrong. I've heard Life-flight, and I have even heard police
copters (back in the days of 'TriggerLock').

But this level of atmosphere moving force was unlike anything we've encountered.
So I grabbed our trusty camera and went to work.

Here is a shot of the heli in action.

I was like... "whoa."

Now, just a fly-by would be weird enough, but this thing was just cruising
around our skies like he was hunting Bin Laden.
(Seriously though, if Bin Laden was in this area, wouldn't he be hiding out in the
of Hyde Park or something?)

I think they noticed me staring and taking photos, so they decided to abort
"Mission: Be Loud As Hell," and headed back toward wherever is was they came from...

Harwick, maybe?


I guess it's just one of those things that makes living here so exciting.
Well that, and the Sheetz on Constitution.



Monday, June 15, 2009

Random Picture Monday (06-15-09)

Oink Oink.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Welcome Home, Stanley.

Pens make the coochie go wooo-wooo!

Thank you Penguins for an amazing season.

We would totally have your penguin babies.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Dear NewK...

We here at the NewK receive emails every now and again.

Some of them contain news.
Some tell us about events.
Some promise us dreams of bigger genitalia.

But every once in a while, one email sticks out more than the others.

Here is one of those...

Dearest NEWK-

I have been reading this site ever since I stumbled across it on the facebook. It keeps me informed, and also tends to make me smile. I appreciate what you are doing. If I could make a suggestion? Please do more restaurant reviews, as I am very interested in your likes and dislikes. I am in no way stalking you all, it's just interesting to me. And while I'm at it, maybe answer a few questions for your readers?

What is your favorite color?
Who was your favorite high school teacher?
Are you good at sports?
Boxers or briefs?
What's your favorite beer?
Sexiest part of a woman's body?
iPhone or BlackBerry?
What's your home address?
Have you ever punched someone in the face?



So there you have it. We'll call it the email of the week.

We should probably answer these questions.

Let's do this.

What is your favorite color?

Who was your favorite high school teacher?
Mr. Guzik. He failed me, but was hilarious while doing it.

Are you good at sports?
Does a bear climb a tree in Mt. Vernon?

Boxers or briefs?
Ventilated boxer briefs.

What's your favorite beer?
Leinenkugel Sunset Wheat.

Sexiest part of a woman's body?
Tramp stamp.

iPhone or BlackBerry?
You know what they say, "blacker the berry."

What's your home address?
724 Creepy Question Dr. New Kensington, Pa. 15068

Have you ever punched someone in the face?
Does family count?

Do you feel any closer to us now?
We didn't think so.

Either way, all of your comments and emails are cherished by us.
So please keep sending them.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


It seems that an unspecified soot is raining down on
the town known as Springdale.

People noticed the dirt on their vehicles and their homes.
(I also noticed something 2 weeks ago on my Glen's Custard chocolate cone,
that didn't look like any sprinkle I've ever seen.)

It took me 2 seconds to realize I was going to eat that cone, even if
a goose dropped a fly-by sky deuce on it. So I forewent the drawn out
task of using my Popeil forensics kit that would have been required for a refund.

So back to the real story...

Samples were collected and taken to the local soot factory
to see if it were theirs.

It wasn't theirs. If you can believe it.

It was then thought that the power plant might be responsible.

They agreed to get the unknown substance tested to see if they
were be the ones to bitch at.

The plant also said it could be ash from the weekend restart of the facility.
Which they said has happened in the past.

Fear not, friends. The Allegheny Health Department is on top of it.

"This is soot that, while it is a nuisance, doesn't pose any long-term public health issues," Zazac (AHD spokesman) said.

We've always wanted to meet the real Erin Brockovich.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Pens win.

I doubt that anything more important is going on in the NewK today.
But if there is, we will surely be on top of it (like Leo on Bar).

We're off to celebrate more.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Not So Random Picture Tuesday.

If you read yesterday's post, you'll understand why it's
not so random.

Have an awesome Tuesday.

We love Tuesdays.

They are like the foreplay to hump day.

We like foreplay.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Splish Splash.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Blasting Off?

We posted about the lack of fireworks this 4th of July
in theNEWK, recently.

But we have heard through the grapevine, that there might
be a show after all.

A little birdie sent us an email claiming that there may
be a display fired off at the Valley High School stadium.

If any of our readers can confirm or deny this,
please let us know in the comments section.

Or send us an email.


Have an awesome weekend, and sorry for telling you all
to "go suck on a fart" in yesterday's comments.

Our feelings are easily hurt.


In other worldly news, the video game Tetris is celebrating
it's 25th birthday this week.

What does that have to do with theNEWK?

Let's just say a very handsome contributor to this site has spent
many hours in theNEWK, playing that game, while dumping, on his trusty

Level 9, 5 lines - is no match for the "Squatting TetriKing."

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Looking For a Reason.

We would love to have a good reason to get a booth
at this year's New Kensington Community Days.

Too bad we are unable to think of any.

Can you think of a reason for us to be there?

If so, please leave us a comment.
If we pick your reason, we might even invite you to come hang
with us at our booth.

Oh snap.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Wet A Line.

We here at theNEWK feel strongly about many different things...

- Women that don't eat dessert, can't be trusted.
- The designated hitter in baseball, sucks ass.
- Autism research is a must...so please donate.
- In a street fight, the Donut Connection would whip Dunkin' Donuts' hole.
- The Red Wings grab more than a perv in a subway.
- Speaking of subways... Subway > Quizno's
- Family is important.
- Fishing is both fun and relaxing (but probably won't get you laid).
- Children are our furniture.

Those last few points are actually the reason for this post.

This coming weekend, there are a couple different fishing events
for the area's youth and families.

This Saturday at 8am:
Burrell Lake Park is holding a fishing derby.
It's free. 15 years old and younger. Prizes and lunch. Free nightcrawlers.
(You had me at "free nightcrawlers")
Then on Sunday at 1pm:
Northmoreland Park is having a Family Fishing Day.
Learn to cast, tie knots, take off fish and tons of other stuff.

It looks like the weather should cooperate, so get out there and
get some sun on your baldspot, or cleavage, or both.
(Please send pics to theNEWK, if you happen to have both.)


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

So Long Tarentum Fun.

We just heard that the yearly lovefest known as
the Tarentum Festival will cease to exist.

The Tarentum City Council passed a new ordinance prohibiting
the sales of alcoholic beverages in public.

That is like placing a ban on punching people in the crotch,
or any other basic human right.


There were some complaints from local residents about property
damage, and reports of public urination.

What did they expect when they moved to Tarentum?

The fire department raises $30k from this festival.
That's a huge amount of money for a fire depot.

They will now plan on selling hoagies and having a gun bash.

Just what this area needs...
More overweight people with firearms.

But honestly, we here at theNEWK will miss that party.
We will never forget the time we rocked out to
John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.

"Wild Summer Nights"

Either way, we hope the locals are happy...
Maybe the next fire they have, they'll be praying for a public urinator
to help them, as the fire dept. might be short on gas money.


(Happy Birthday, my sweet Mia)

Monday, June 1, 2009

Random Picture Monday (06-01-09)

C.L. Schmidt, Sucka.


We're back.