Friday, March 30, 2012

Sad News In The Newk

Police chief Ron Zellers has passed away.

Sadly, we didn't know him all that well.

But we would like to express our deepest sympathies to his family
and friends.

We wish we could have thanked him for all of the good he did for our
fair city since taking the position in 2009.

Godspeed, Chief.

And thank you, sir.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


We are ravaged by head cold symptoms.

This blows.

Send us chicken soup.
Bring us cold meds.
Call us off school, and turn on The Price Is Right.

Bring on tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

We're Taking A Stand On This Issue

It's come to this...

We are deciding to pick a side in what seems to be the biggest
story in a long time.

It's official:

We are against the new IOC rule that allows women beach volleyball
players to wear more than just their classic teeny bikini.

We're outraged!

This is tragic news.

Not only are bikinis tradition (they've been worn since the sport was
introduced to the Olympics in 1996), they are sexy.

Q: What happens when hot and sweaty women dive in the sand?

A: We don't consider changing the channel. Ever.

They claim that allowing women to wear sleeved shirts and shorts (no
lower than 1.18 inches above the knee) will allow women from
other countries to participate.

That's all well and good.

We are all for allowing everyone an opportunity for Olympic glory.

But seeing those Brazilian booties in what seem to be a shrunken version
of the bottoms that the rest of the ladies wear, is the highlight of every
fourth summer for us.

Whose with us?


Did you think we were going to take a stance on the religious monument?

If so, you were wrong.

We are getting a kick out of how wound up people are getting over this.

Someone even planned a rally for today, but we hear the district asked
them to postpone it.

We think that's a good idea.

Well done, NKASD.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Monumental Decision

First off, we try our best to stay away from too much politics,
and too much religion.

We hate having other peoples views forced onto us.

So we try to give others the same respect that we would appreciate.

Editor's Note:

Today's post is for informational purposes only. We will do everything
in our power not to force our views on you.

Here are the facts as we know them.
(And by 'know,' we mean 'think.')

A few years ago (55 of them), the Eagles gave the monument to the
school district.

It stands about 6 feet tall, and resides outside of the gym.

It showcases the Roman Catholic version of the 10 Commandments.

The Freedom From Religion Foundation is requesting the district take
the monument down.

They are based in Wisconsin.

Many locals (mostly Catholics) are outraged by this request.

Many others (mostly heathens) happen to agree.

Editor's Note II:
The heathens joke was just too good to pass up.
Please find it in your godless hearts to forgive us.

Editor's Note III:
The godless hearts joke was too good to pass up.
We understand that many of the fine people that oppose the monument
are very religious, and we think that's wonderful for them.

Editor's Note IV:
The majority of theNewk staff are godless heathens.

This is a matter of the separation of church and state.

The district will look at things.
The Solicitor will look into things.
And by the sounds of things, the courts will look into things.

We do not want a religious debate to happen on our fine website,
or even our popular facebook page.

Please take our fragile feelings into consideration before engaging
in combative god-talk.

Peace be with you.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Random Picture Monday (03-26-12)

Farm Hill.

Where the party at?

Friday, March 23, 2012

Gone Fishin'

The weather is too nice for us to be in the office today.

So we went fishing.

Fishing is by far one of the best hangover cures known to man.

How about that...

We actually taught you something with this waste of a post.

Here's the weather...

Today: Hot
Tomorrow: Not as hot, with thunderstorms.
Sunday: Chill w/rain

Have a good weekend, folks.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Big Day Today

Not sure if you knew it or not, but today is
International Goof-Off Day.

This is our 12th favorite holiday.

Right between Cinco de Mayo, and Tax Day.

For those keeping track...

11. Tax Day
12. International Goof-Off Day
13. Cinco de Mayo

See, something about goofing-off makes us happy.

Sure, we could be using our time for much more important endeavors.

But only old people do that.

And we are in our mid-30's.

Far away from "old."

Unless you are a teenager.

Then we're old farts.

But guess what, you little wise-ass teenager...

The only thing you are likely good at these days is goofing-off.

Well that, and another type of ****ing off.

But you are much too young to admit to that, yet.

Go ahead, everyone.


You deserve it.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Spring A Song

Yesterday was the first day of Summer.

And it was as hot as any Summer we remember.

Wait... what?

It was the first day of Spring?

Good lord!

So you mean to tell us that temperatures near the 80's are to be
expected in mid March for the rest of our lives?

"Oh, hey."

Well, it seems that the inventor of the internet knew what the
hell he was talking about.


And before he coins another phrase, we are taking "Sprummer."

That's right, Happy Sprummer!

Like seriously, in was/is hot.

And the bald members of this website have the rosy-red heads
to prove it.

As you read this, the temperature outside of your cubicle ridden
building is rising.

Rising like our underoos, while we squint at scrambled Cinemax
on the Zenith in our
parent's game room.

"Yep... that was a nipple, I just know it."

To wrap things up.

Be careful out there.

And be sure to hydrate.

Not only with water, but with lotion.

Lots and lots of lotion.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Throwing Trash Money In The Garbage

City council has decided that it is better to write-off $75,000
in delinquent garbage fees, than to chase after it.

The city is owed tons of bank in unpaid bills.

Mostly from tenants that lived in the city a short while, then grabbed
everything they didn't throw out, and scadattled.

And those folks are tough to track down.

The cash it would cost to find them and actually make them pay,
would likely cost the city more in the long run.

They even posted the names of the highest owing 32 people, in the
local paper a few years back.

Only a couple of those folks paid up.

The city has a new plan on how to get people to stay current.

We would list those, but you aren't interested.

And we'd much rather post a picture of Men At Work.

You know... the same picture we post every time we talk about garbage...

In short...

Pay your damn bills, people.

Having to walk your trash can out to the curb is not a privilege.
It is not free.
It is picked up by hard working people.
And it usually stinks of dirty diapers and Gunny's wing bones.

So put a lid on it.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Random Picture Monday (03-19-12)

Eating at Stella's and getting a picture for Monday = Win.

Friday, March 16, 2012

St. Patrick's Day 2012

St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow, and...

We have already started drinking.

We have nothing else to say here.


Did you know...

The 'luck of the Irish' is an ironic phrase. The Irish have been, and are a spectacularly unlucky race. The "luck of the Irish" is BAD luck, as any reading of Irish history will document. When I did my Master's thesis on Irish references in the American language, I found the original and proper use of this irony goes clear back to the Old Country and migrated to America early on. Nowadays many speakers and writers -- even the supposedly erudite ones -- misuse the phrase to imply GOOD luck. Let these misinformed (and misinforming) folks eat only potatoes for a few decades -- if any potatoes can grow in their fields.

Editor's Note:

We totally stole that tidbit from another website. None of us have a
Master's degree in anything. Unless beer counts?

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Water Ain't Cheap

Arnold residents are likely shutting of the water a little
quicker these days.

Not because there is a water conservation act happening.

Although conserving water is always a good idea.

It's because Arnold has changed the way they charge for water/sewage
and garbage.

They are charging residents a flat fee of $22 a month.

Not bad, in our opinion.

Now, instead of an annual fee of $800 for water, they are charging you
so much for the first 750 gallons, then more for each additional 750.

They claim it will lower the cost by about $128 a year.

Not bad.

Lucky for us, our offices aren't in L.A. (Lower Arnold).

Because we use the water like crazy.

Everything from our ramen noodle obsession, to our need to
shower when we break even the smallest of sweats.

And with the shape we're in, the showers come often and early.

We hope the new pay scale is beneficial for most of you.

In fact, they claim 80% of residents will pay the minimum.

With numbers like that, it kinda makes you wonder what they did with
all the extra money before?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The NewK Is Bigger In Texas

We always knew we were nationally known.

Because we have family in Detroit.


But seriously.

People all over this little earth appreciate what we do.

Obviously, you agree with them, or you'd currently be watching lady-boy
porn, rather than reading this.

And how could we blame you?

LBP is all the internet rage.

Oh yeah, we got an awesome email...

Hello NewK people!

I just stumbled across your blog tonight and wanted to say hey! Your blog is funny as well as informative. I spent my whole life right across the river, (in Creighton) but currently live in Dallas, TX. New Ken and our surrounding communities can get such a bad reputation, and it's so nice to know there are good and intelligent people out there spreading good vibes.

You've got a new reader. Just wanted you to know :)
Sarah S.

Thanks, Sarah.

You rock.

If you ship us a real deal cowboy hat, you will be vaulted into our
top-10 reader category.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Local Website Wins Award

No, it wasn't us.

Damn it.

But we're happy that the New Kensington-Arnold school district's
site was a big winner this year.

They won a Sunny Award.

The Sunny Review bestows awards to websites based on
government transparency.

And the schools site not only an award winner, it is one of only 6 schools
in the state to receive A-ratings.

Much props goes out to right-to-know officer Audrey Sleigh.

She saw a chance to make something better, and not only did it... did
it to the highest level possible.

Thank you, Audrey.

Just another feather in the cap of this fair city.

You can check it out at

We would love some double V gear.


Anyone with the ability to supply us with such goods, please email
us at


Monday, March 12, 2012

Random Picture Monday (03-12-12)

The sand dunes @ the Parnassus freeway.


Happy birthday, A.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Text Me (Texting Ban)

Yesterday was the first day of the new Pa Texting Ban.

Knowing that texting behind the wheel was dangerous, didn't
always mean that we chose to wait for a traffic light to send one.

I mean c'mon...

We are just too popular not to be in constant contact
with all of the people we know.

How would they live without hearing from us at
least once every
thirty minutes?

It's not possible.

Or is it?

We will soon find out.

Not because we want to, but because "it's the LAW!"

We hear the fine is around $50.

But how can the police prove you were texting?

We don't believe they can confiscate your phone and read
your messages without a warrant.

But what they can do, is write the citation, and force you to fight it in
court, which will likely cost most than a fifty spot.

S0 it is a good idea to put your phone down when you drive.

Not only to save yourself some money...

but because it's seriously dangerous, and we don't feel like having
you wreck into us on Tarentum Bridge, because you got a text about
your big plans to rent a movie and grab a Little Ceasar's $5 hot-n-ready.

Fact is: You aren't that popular.

Accept it, and move forward.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

To Raze, Or Not To Raze

We would like to know your take on this...

Say there is an old abandoned (former multi-unit rental) property,
that has been taken over by the city, due to neglect on the owner.

An out of town potential buyer puts in a rather low offer.

He claims he plans on renovating the place, and turning it into
a single family home for rent.

City council denied his bid, stating:

and we are sumarizing here...

The city has not had good luck with out of town landlords.

Now, this patricular gentleman already owns a few properties
locally, and are said to be up to code and such.

The neighbors want the structure torn down.

As they've had the "pleasure" of looking at this place
every day just sitting there wasting away and lowering
their own property values.

What are your thoughts?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

What a Tuesday

Lots of stuff happened yesterday.

Oreo's 100 year anniversary.

Sid was cleared for contact.

Super Tuesday.

Our dart team was victorious.

We ate cupcakes.

We told ya.

That was a crazy Tuesday.

But sadly, we have to return to work today.

The off-season is over.

It is supposed to be warm though, so we got that going for us.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Hunger Pains

Yeah, we're hungry.

Like seriously friggin' hungry.

And we need your help.

We plan on finally doing our pizza reviews, and we already have a
few choice places picked out.

What we need from you is a suggestion on where we should go.

And not just where, but what we should order.

We're talking specifics.


We wanna know what you order.

Now, you may not be totally willing to indulge us with all of your
dinner secrets.

That's understandable.

We are secretive about certain things.


No we aren't.

We spew every little mind-nugget daily for you to read and enjoy.

It's what makes us charming.


Post it here.
Post it on our facebook page.
Send it in an email to


Just help us already!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Random Picture Monday (03-05-12)

Up on Sinclair.

Friday, March 2, 2012

What The Dilly?

Very few people can sum up the questions that a collective group
of people may have about a subject.

There are many questions unanswered about what happened
to the man that disappeared last week and turned up at a
Pittsburgh hospital.

No doubt, it's a sensitive subject.

But many of us took worrying about Chad very seriously.

And in some strange way, we feel as though we "deserve" the full story.

Obviously, it's none of our damn business.

But it's hard to just stop caring about something/someone that
you put forth an effort to worry about.

Most people don't say anything.

But there are a few folks out there with the uncanny ability to express
in writing the thoughts and concerns of their fellow man.

Frank the Stank, is one of those people.

Here is his latest treasure sent to our gmail account...

What up newk dudes. this is frank the stank and i wanted to kno if there was more to da story about that kid gone missin. i was lookin all over constiution for that dude since yall said sumpthin. i was lookin for the black whip you said he was drivin. i didnt see nuthin with him in it. and i was worried yo. i told my boys to keep a look out. then you say he shows up at a hospitol yesterday. i also heard he gave a wrong name and the cops cant be tellin his story cause he 19 and theres a law about that. what the dilly. i wanna know what happened to this guy. why he just roll like that. just took some money and his laptops and left for a week. im glad they found him but i need to know what up. if yall here sumpthin you best email or text me. heres my digits to my cricket celly 724-881-****. hit me up.

peace- Frank the stank

We're sure that many of you have the same (okay... similar) questions as

We also are quite curious as to what happened.

But by no means, are we more interested in the story, as we are
in the safety of this young man.

Welcome home, Chad.

We are pulling for everything to work out in your world.

Whatever that may be.

Thursday, March 1, 2012


This is going to be short and sweet, as we have a lot going on
this last day or two.

Right, Lucy?

So anyways, we heard some good news yesterday.

We heard that the missing Penn State New Ken student has been

We don't know all the details yet, but word is he checked into an
area hospital (under a different name).

He got recognized by a nurse, who alerted the authorities.

We will give you more info as it filters in, on this developing story.