Friday, July 31, 2009

Stuff For You To Do.

We are so very worried that our readers live ultra boring lives.
(Why else would you be reading this drivel?)

So every now and again, we try to enlighten you about some events that are
taking place in the area.

Some things sound fun.

Some things sound stinky.
(We'll get to that later.)

And some things sound outright delicious.

First off, we talked extensively about this yesterday.
The Animal Protectors in New Ken is having an adoption marathon.
Read HERE for more info.

Next we have a food and cultural event.
Mount St. Peters is hosting it's 28th Festa Italiana this weekend.
Music, food, kids games and a strolling accordionist.
Let the marinara and good time roll.
Click PASTA FAGIOLI for more info.

The Pittsburgh Pirates are back in town.
Well, at least people wearing their uniforms.
Tonight is floppy hat and dollar dog night.
Tomorrow night is some country singing chick with a big schoz.
Sunday is Ryan Doumit kid jersey day.
(The give-away is probably the only reason they haven't traded him yet.)

Beware: If you attend a Pirates game this weekend, be prepared for them
to pluck you from your seat, and sit you down on a plane heading for some other
major city.

The Pirates weren't the event we were calling "stinky."
Can you believe that?

Last but not least...

The Apollo Ridge school district is hosting it's 2nd annual "Cow Drop Bingo."
Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.

I guess they write some numbers on the ground, then release a cow
that's pushing undies...the heifer proceeds to drop a steaming pile on a number.

Even if you don't have that number, you still gotta feel like a winner.

It's this Saturday at Owen's Field in Apollo.
Starts at 1pm and ends when everyone vomits and goes home.

Have fun, and watch your step.


Taking The Morning Off.

Hey morning reader!

What's going on?

What did you have for breakfast?

We haven't awoken yet.

("awoken" didn't trigger any bad spelling red squiggles, so I guess that it's a word. Although it doesn't look right at all.)

Please forgive us.

Our creative juices weren't flowing just yet.

Even though we had a great idea this morning, the thought of typing made us cringe.

Back to you...

Do you like coffee or tea?

Cream or sugar, or maybe both? Oh-la-la.

Waffles or pancakes?

Bacon or sausage, or maybe ham? Sha-zam.

But anyways, there are a few things that we want to tell you about, so we'll
try to come back at a reasonable time and inform you.

You know say daddy me snow me-a gon blame
A licky boom-boom down
'Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane

A licky boom-boom down"

Don't hate cause that song is stuck in your head this weekend.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Can I Get A Woof Woof?

Listen up.

Today is the beginning of the Adoption Marathon at Animal Protectors
located at 533 Linden ave. in New Kensington.

Animal Protectors is a non-profit shelter located in the NewK that has a no-kill policy.

But the shelter is jam packed. It is holding 75 cats and dogs with an additional
30 in foster homes, leaving the shelter with no place to accept more animals.

And other than housing pets, they help with a program that provides pet food to
pet owners that can no longer afford to feed them.

So today through this Sunday, is how long the marathon will last.

If you are an animal person, and you have the love, time and home to provide an animal,
please think about heading on down and adopting or fostering an animal in need.

Even if you would like to make a donation.
(Petsmart gift cards are probably a great idea.)

We here at theNEWK don't take many things very seriously.

But this is one of those issues that we care deeply about.

Here is a link to their site with more info. CLICK HERE!

We care so much that we are going to ask you for a favor...

Please copy the link of this page, and post it on your facebook for your friends
to see. It won't take many of you to get the word out, and maybe help a poor
puppy in need.

We are sorry for being serious today.

We'll try to make it up to you tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Shout Out Time

This is our first "shout out" here at the NewK.

So please take it easy on us if we screw it up.

So a few months ago, we started a fan page on

It was a modest beginning.

But theNEWK would not be held down for long.

Here a fan, there a fan, everywhere a fan fan.

Relying on word of mouth exclusively. We were never quite sure if anything
would come of it.

But you have all been very good to us, as we are happy to announce
that we currently have more than 200 active fans on our page.


Thank you so much for telling your friends about us, and for actually
caring about what we have to say. (Unlike our wife.)

Just kidding, Hunny. Me wubs you.

So to thank you, we have been working tirelessly to bring new and exciting
things to you all.

Too bad we aren't fully prepared to tell you what those things are.

But you know what they say about patience...

If you have them, you must be a doctor.

Zing Pow!
So now, we will say thank you in many different languages:

xie xie - Mandarin
tak - Danish
merci - French
danke - German
thx - Cellspeak
efharisto - Greek
toda - Hebrew
grazie - Italian
arigato - Japanese
thanks playa - Newkish
spasibo - Russian
asante - Swahili
gracias - Spanish
dĂȘkuji - Czech
jagshamesh - Boratanese

Okay folks, see you tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Brews At The Big Bird

Get your advantage cards ready, as well as a picture ID.

Because Giant Eagle on Tarentum Bridge rd. has applied for a liquor license.

That's right, they wanna sell the beer.

Kinda like every other state in this country, where you can buy beer at
convenience stores and grocery stores. Penna is still quite behind the times.

Hell, we were even in Utah once, where they have crazy restrictions on the
consumption of alcohol, and you can buy a case of beer at Wal-mart.

Now, we can see the side of the beer store owner, in saying that Giant Eagle sells
thousands of items, why do they need one more?

I'll tell you why...

Because we don't want to get out of our cars anymore than we have to.
That's why.

We all need food. Some of us need beer.

How awesome would it be if we could toss a case of Landshark Lager in our cart
with a box of frozen chicken patties and a 16 pack of double-roll Cottonelle?


We're not saying that it wouldn't suck to lose our local distributors.

We know they are a huge part of the community.

Like I said, we are not taking anything away from the wonderful service they provide.

But just imagine if you could grab a bottle of sriracha, just after downing
a bottle of Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat at the GE cafe?

That's like getting killed in heaven, and going to heaven heaven.


Now, we doubt this will happen anytime soon, kinda like the Pirates winning, but
a man can dream...right?

We would be getting all kinds of free gas, baby!

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Random Picture Monday (07-27-09)

We always thought Aunt Bea made bean pies.

Today's Lack Of RPM

The reason for there being no picture up for Random Picture Monday is...

We forgot.

But don't fret, by the time anyone actually reads this, there will
probably be one posted.

So anyways, how was your weekend?

Did you do anything exciting?

Hyde Park days?
Apollo moon landing?
Pittsburgh Triathalon?
Watch Big Brother After Dark on Shotime?
Jonas Brothers concert?
Dodge construction markers on Stevenson Blvd?
Cookout on the grill?
Eat half a bbq chicken in 10 minutes flat?

Well, did ya?

Friday, July 24, 2009

Want To Join Us?

Tonight we will be heading out.

Where are we going?

Wouldn't you like to know? really do want to know, huh?

Okay, we'll tell you.


You got played, sucker!

We keed, we keed.

We are going to try and make it to both Hyde Park Community Days,
and also the Apollo Moon Landing Festival.

Can you believe the lives we live?

So that's it. We plan to twitter our schedule and current positions,
so join us if you think you can handle it.

Bring your party hat.

Or just follow along at home, you boring S.O.B.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Yo Calvin, Is That You?

Word out of Che-Town is that the one and only Snoop Dogg
might be rolling through sometime this fall.

Now, there is no ticket info as of yet, but Cheswick city officials seem rather confident
that the D-O-Double is coming.

They say he'll be playing the Ches-A-Rena.

Do we gotta rent skates?

I remember the days before inline, when the guys had to rent those tan
skates with the big ass orange stoppers on the front.

I also remember getting a slice of funky butt pizza, and nearly dying
as I tried to park myself in one of those tiny booths.

And if I did make it in the seat, I would sit on my locker key and
bruise my cute butt cheeks.

Forgive me...I got distracted.

Back to the show.

Yeah, they are saying it's gonna be September 11th, and from what I understand,
it's not the Ches-A-Rena anymore. It's called Club Gravity.

They must have named it after me falling down all the time.

The city is trying to get all it's ducks in a row, even though as we said before,
no info is available for this event.

Our theory is as follows:

Snoop is a huge Steelers fan.
The Steelers open up the NFL season at home on the 10th.
Snoop will be in town for the game, so he figured...
"Yizzle, I mind as wizzle make a few dolla bizzle while I'm up in the steel tizzle."
Now, that's just our take on things.

What do you thizzle?

We think there is no way we miss this shizzle

Fo'shizzle dizzle.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

We Love Emails

Here is one of the latest emails that was sent to us...

Dear thenewk-

I have been reading your site for awhile now and I think its funny and cool. But I would like to see more pictures and stuff that you take of your travels. I also think I’d be nice if you did some cool contests or something. I bet people would try and win something. And whats up with no people profiles like it says on the site? You can interview me if you want.

Okay then see ya later


First off, thank you so much for the email, D.

You bring up some great points, as well as complimenting us.

This might be the perfect email.

So here is our reply...

Dearest D,

Thanks for the kind words and the continued readership of our little slice of the internet. It's nice to know you enjoy the pictures that we post, because we really dig taking them for you. The reason we don't post more, is because our daily lives aren't exactly as exciting as we make them out to be. But know, that we would love to change that fact.

And the contest idea is awesome! We would love to run as many as we could. Problem is, local businesses really don't give us anything to give away. Maybe it's because we never ask them for anything. Maybe it's because we don't get enough hits for it to be worth it for them. Maybe we don't have enough facebook friends. But whatever the reason/reasons, we promise to look further into this matter. And if we do run contests, we will probably run them through our facebook fanpage, so be sure you sign up there to keep tabs on us. Also on the twitter.

We appreciate the offer for us to interview you. It's really sweet. We just don't have anything prepared to ask anyone yet. We also aren't 100% sure on what types of people our readers are interested in reading about. Do they want to hear about locals living here currently? Past residents that have moved on? Local lengends? Maybe all of the above.

You should notice some new stuff around here soon.

Thanks again for the letter-
TheNEWK staff

See how easy that goes?

Now please be aware, that we would never print any email we receive without
asking it's sender if it's kosher first. So please keep them coming.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Vern Was Bumpin'

This past Saturday was an even busier morning in Mt. Vernon, than the day
they tranquilized that cuddly little black bear that was just chilling in a tree.

I'm telling you what...

There are not many events that get our blood pumping around here like a
good old-fashion all you can eat pancake and sausage breakfast.

So you just know we had high hopes for our Saturday.

And as always, we will be 100% honest with you.
(Usually, when people tell you they are going to tell you the truth, a big fat stinky lie tends to follow.)

But that is not our style. Trust us.

So we rolled into the EKCC parking lot around 8:31am.

We were at the right place.

Let's zoom in...

By this point, we had our ticket ready.
(Oh, you know we pre-paid. Getting shut out was not an option.)

So we handed over our golden ticket, and spotted our people sitting at a primo table.

As soon as our flip-flop sporting feet carried us to our seat, a waitress was there
to greet us with a smile.

She knew I meant business, by my choice of footwear.

It is known worldwide, that any man wearing flip-flops to eat flapjacks, should
not be taken lightly.

I ordered a tall glass of 2%, which showed up almost immediately along with our first plate.

We decided to pace ourselves, so we had a little fun...
Pac-Man decided to skip his daily breakfast of powernuggets, and join for some fluffy goodness.

Nom nom nom.

Now, our breakfast buddies arrived a good bit before us, so they were nearing the end
of their griddle cake adventure.

But they claimed some staggering numbers.

We won't get into specifics, but we'll tell you that we are very proud of them.

So our first plate went down like a drunk sorority chick, and we signaled our
waitress for a refill.

And here is the honesty part...

We only ordered 1 more pancake, flanked by 2 more sausages.

Telling you this fact not only opens us up for much ridicule, but also may affect
how we are viewed by other top-notch masculine websites.
(This is one of the days that we loathe google.)

We can't believe we just told you that.

We are mortified.

Because once it's on the internet, it can't be taken back.

We should be commended for our character and strength.

Please stop looking at us like that.

So anyways, we finished our food and thanked all the ladies who volunteered
their precious time on a beautiful Saturday morning.

They are saints. All of them.

After we left, we decided to take a cruise through the means streets of
Mt. Vernon, and see how busy the super-duper yardsales were going.

It was mayhem.

We almost ran down like 6 old ladies caring velvet paintings of Elvis and
also renderings of the last supper.

(If there were a velvet painting of Elvis at the last supper, we surely would have
pooned her and stolen that fine piece of art.)

Here is a quick shot we took while driving down Vernon.
Notice the massive amounts of jaywalking that was going on?

Criminals...all of them!

We ended up being so frustrated, that we never stopped the car and shopped around.

The temptation to assault someone was just barely tamed by the peaceful
nature of the pancakes residing in our bellies.

We made our way back to 7th street, and headed on home for a power nap.

That nap totally helped us regain our "center."

So there you have it.

What do you think?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Random Picture Monday (07-20-09)

Biff's house.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

All You Can Eat, Baby.

You know that when we take the time out of our amazingly busy days to
tell you about an must be a doozy.

Well listen up, and get your fork ready.

This Saturday, there is an all you can eat sausage and pancake breakfast.

Yeah yeah, we know. It's short notice.
Fact is, we know most of you have an attention span that's no longer
than our derriere hairs.

And it's not like you had anything that could possibly more fun planned already.


So now that we've talked about food and our buttocks, it's information time.

Where: EKCC (corner of 7th st. and Powers dr./across from Martin Elementary)
Time: 5am to 10am
How Much: Only $5 for adults, $3 kids 10-4, and kids 3 or under eat free.
Benefit: It benefits the EKCC, which does great things for the local children
and many other groups in the community.

So get out there this Saturday morning, and bring your appetite.


We have a vested interest in this event.
And it's also for a really great cause.
So please go.

Hell you might even spot us.

We'll be the ones with a pancake on our head...

like this bunny.

Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

39 Years Old, And Ready To Retire.

I know a few people that could fit this headline, but the fact is, we
aren't talking about a person.

We are talking about a truck.

A truck that has served the NewK honorably for the last 14,240 days or so.
(We threw in a few extra days to account for leap years, so back off, Nerd.)

That's right kids...

New Kensington No. 3 fire department is ready for a new ride.

But I promise you this, we here at will surely miss Jenny
at this year's Christmas parade.

Now, we aren't sure that Jennifer is the truck's real name.
What we do know that Jennifer was the most popular name for girls in 1970.
(So the odds are with us that we are correct, Nerd.)

We also read that someone has already bid like $1200 for Jenny.

Seriously? $1200?

We paid nearly that much for an old canoe.

If the bidding is open to the public, we might plan on going public sooner than
we first had planned. We need some of that capitol right now.

Could you imagine a big old tricked out Newk firetruck rolling up
Freeport Rd., and pulling into the DQ to get a medium cone with sprinkles?

We'd have all our friends sitting on top of it, like they were the varsity football
team, and they'd be throwing candy at people as we drive by.

Parade style, Sucka.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sunday Brunch, Not So Much.

So as you've probably realized by now, we kinda like to eat.

Which was the case this past Sunday.

We just finished shopping for some new digs, when our collective bellies
started to grumble and rumble like a storm heading up the Allegheny.

It was a little bit after 12:00 noon, and we needed to nosh it up.

"Let's head to the Burrell Inn and grab some grub."
- Car Passenger

"Word up."
- Me

So we pull into a primo spot, and head in through the dining area door.

We notice a half eaten salad and some fries just chillin' on one of the tables, but
other than that, there are no signs of life back there.

There are a few gents enjoying a Sunday afternoon cold one or ten at the bar.
That was the first sign there were employees actually working.

After hoping someone would stroll through the swinging kitchen door for way
too many minutes, we nominated someone to go ask the bartender for assistance
in ordering our yummy morsels.

Sadly, as soon as he set forth in the beer garden regions, she disappeared, ala
Marion Hossa in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Even though we hadn't even been given one, it was the last straw.
It was time to make a move.

And we're off...

"Why don't we hit up Hanes, yo?"
-Car Passenger

"Word up."
- Me

*You should all note, that I was planning to review whatever restaurant we ate at.

We find another sweet parking spot, and jump out "clown car" style.

We avoid the bar entrance, and head toward the dining entrance once again, as the
sight of too many afternoon drinkers depresses us.

The most attractive of the group reached for the door handle, with a smile on her
beautifully radiant face, that provides so much delight to me on a daily basis.
(Hi, hunny!)

But no matter how bright her smile can make a room light up, that door just
refused to open and allow us in.


Back to the car.

"How about Fibber's, or Around the Back Cafe?"
- Beautiful Car Passenger

"Word up."
- Me

We didn't even have to get out of the car for either of those joints.

(-verb: see also 'rejected')
(For those of you that don't speak our language.)

Now, I know what you are all thinking...

"Why don't you cross the street and hit up the China Lobster? They are always open."

One of our party doesn't dig on chinese buffet.
That's why, so stop bugging her!

At this point, I was a little fed up.
I was almost ready to give in and just order like 13 JBC's at Wendy's.

Lucky for my passengers, I had a half tank of petro, and a strong desire
to eat some decent kibble.

So I hopped on 56, and cruised our way to G&G Restaurant in Vandergrift.
Now this is where you get screwed...

We already reviewed that place, to be honest, it's the only one we've
actually done so far.

Too bad for you.

So we got there just in time to order before the kitchen closed for the day.
It was outstanding. As always.

You can read our original review HERE.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Random Picture Monday (07-13-09)

The sign should say:

"Restaurant Open - *except on Sundays"
Because they weren't open yesterday.


Friday, July 10, 2009

All Hail

I need you to listen up, because this might be the most important thing
we've ever had to say.

Seriously. Ever.

We've talked about life, death, family, friends, love, Big Brother and all
kinds of other life changing issues.

So let us get right down to it.

For the last 2 years or so, we here in the Newk area have been deprived.
Deprived of a basic American right.
A right that's as pure as an eagle's heart.
A right that shines like a lightning bug's ass, just before the fireworks go
off on the 4th of July.
A right as delicious as a Whopper with cheese, and a slice of Hershey Pie.


That's exactly what we are talking about.

We have been without a local Burger King for way too long.

In one of the greatest mysteries to ever plague our little part of the world.
(Other than who stole Chessie, from Cheswick Pools back in 1992.
That one still needs put to bed.)

But didn't it seem like the big wigs at the BK had something against us?

The New Ken one shut down, Vandergrift turned off the lights for good,
Harmarville sh@t the bed, and we can't even remember if the Heights had one.

We put many a mile on our respective vehicles, making the journey to Golden Mile or
even the Etna exit for a Whopper Jr value meal and a wicked new crown.

But the unimaginable has happened...

The Harmar BK has reopened!

If we could make that last sentence flash red and gold and sparkly, like
those obnoxious myspace pictures, we would.

Yeah, the other day our significant other surprised us with a fresh and
scrumptious meal for lunch. It was amazing.


Yeah, I know you are.

So there you have it.
We had to alert our friends to this fact.

Now get out there and dine.
But please don't order all the hershey pies, cause they were out the other day.

Greedy oinkers.


Not quite red and gold sparkles, but we'll take it.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Too Nice Out...

It's a little too nice outside for us to be posting something.

And it's a little too nice outside for you to be on the interweb.

So do like we plan on doing...

Go grab a bite to eat for lunch, digest, and start thinking about what
to eat for dinner.

See you in a tidge.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Swisher Tweets

So we've gone ahead and done it.

"Done what, Newk? Did you solve the perpetual motion conundrum?"

No, but we're working on that.

Stop sidetracking us. We already suffer heavily from A.D.D..

Now where were we?

Mortal Combat, that game was intense.


That's not what we were talking about.
Damn you attention span!

Let's get back on track...

Oh yeah, we've gone ahead and done it.
We've signed up for twitter.

We know, we know...twitter blows goat. And it will probably be obsolete
in a week and two days. But whatever. We did it anyways.

Call us what you will, but we actually have a dream that some of you
truly care about what we have to say. Even though you don't show us your
love by taking 2 seconds to sign up here and leave us a comment.

Inconsiderate bastards.

So anyways, we signed up for it and stuff. Yippie!

So take a look at our page, and follow us if you want to.
We promise not to tell you every little detail, like when we poop and stuff.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

You Are Welcome, New Kensington.

If you were one of the many people that got to enjoy
the beautiful fireworks display in New Kensington this past are welcome.

Now, you may be saying to yourself...

"Self, why are the wonderfully entertaining people at the Newk
claiming to be responsible for the fireworks I so enjoyed this past weekend?"

If that is in fact what you are asking yourself, here is an explanation.

A while back, we went on a bit of a rant about the city's plans for no
fireworks this Independence Day.

It seemed to be set in stone.

And then...something changed. There were whispers about a possible
display to be shot off somewhere other than along the Parnassus Freeway.

Those whispers got louder and louder as more and more hits to our little website, began
to resonate through the honorable chambers of city hall.

Fearing an uprising bigger than the one when King Kone decided to close up for good,
city officials and some volunteers made the dream come alive.

And if you were in the 15068 on the 4th, you now know what dreams
look like when they come to life...


Yes, fireworks.
The same type of fireworks that we've all seen for the past 100 years or so.

Bet you never realized that dreams looked like regular old fireworks.

Seriously though, we probably didn't have anything to do with the show.
But that won't stop us from taking all the credit.

So again, from the bottom of our are welcome, New Kensington.
May you remember those fireworks for the rest of your lives.

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
- George W. Bush

Monday, July 6, 2009

Random Picture Monday (07-06-09)

Welcome to the NewK.