Friday, May 28, 2010

Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day weekend starts today.

There will be many picnics and parades.

We have decided to start our big weekend a little early.

Too bad our real jobs didn't get the memo.

So instead us writing stuff, we are going to post a
couple videos to get your weekend started off right.

The first one is one of our faves.

You guessed it, it's our man Lee Greenwood.

This next one is a new one.

It's the Memorial Day version of the Andy Rooney Game.

The Andy Rooney Game is where people take Mr. Rooney's
segment from 60 Minutes, and they cut out everything except
the first and last sentence he says.

Good times.

Oh yeah, don't forget about this event we told
you about the other day...

Wieners and Beavers!


Nic the weatherman also started his weekend early.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

We Need More Fiber

Not that kind of fiber.

Seriously, we have no issues in that department.

The fiber we are speaking of, is fiber optics.

Seems a locally based internet provider has some
aspirations to take over the web around these parts.

They claim that once they run their fiber optics all
around the AK Valley, we will all be able to download
porn and other necessities at break-neck speeds.

They are saying that having this type of internet could
attract businesses, and even attract new residents
to the area.
We smell a bit of a sales pitch there, but whatev.

This company sayd that setting up the infrastructure
could cost as much as $500,000.

Now, when talking about this type of stuff, a half-a-milly
doesn't really sound like that big of a deal to us.

But who are we to talk about cash?

We have none of it.

And we don't have any corporate sponsorships either.

Although we are willing to consider some offers.
(Hint Hint)

Back to the story...

This local company also claims it can offer lower
cost services, as well as better customer service.

That doesn't sound too bad.

We say, speedy internets for everyone!

Yay technology!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Wieners And Beavers

"Wieners and beavers."
"Wieners and beavers."
"Wieners and beavers."
"Wieners and beavers."

No matter how many times you say it, it doesn't
sound any less perverted.

Try it.

Now that people are staring strangely at you, please
proceed to explain to them the reason you've said it.


We haven't told you why we've made you say it?

In that case, listen up, Pervy.

Over this coming Memorial Day weekend, the awesome
ladies of the EKCC (East Kensington Community Circle),
will be selling delicious wienies outside of the Busy
Beaver store.

You know, right there behind Advanced Auto Parts, or
is it Auto Zone?

They are right across the street from each
other, so
cut us some slack here.

Anyways, they will be selling them to raise scholarship money
that they give to Valley High seniors.

Seriously, those ladies rock, eh?

So if you are in the area, or maybe even browsing through
the Beav', be sure to grab a wiener.
(Just be gentle.)

They will be selling them from...

For you "wake up with a smile" wienie folk.
For you "afternoon delighters."

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Plum Sinks

Reports came out yesterday that there is a
sinkhole in Plum.

Right at Monroeville Trestle Road/Center Road.

That's near the entrance to Boyce Park.

You know, the "back way" to Monroeville Mall.

From the pictures we've seen, it's a pretty big

First off, the word 'sinkhole' is hilarious.

We also think the work 'Sinkhole' would make a
great rock band name.
We weren't sure how they planned on fixing a
sinkhole, but our best thought was they would
fill it with rocks and gravel and stuff.

Turns out, that's exactly what they do.

We might be the smartest people we know.

The road is closed, and a detour has been set up for
the 15,000 cars that use that road daily.


Now, we should tell you something about us...

Sinkholes, and the idea of sinkholes, terrify the
bejesus out of us.

The fact that one happened in Plum, makes us
nervous, and gives us a bad case of the bubble-guts.

It would be wise if you stayed about 15 feet away from
us, for the next few anxiety filled days.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Random Picture Monday (05-24-10)

Best. Name. Ever.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

We Forgot Something

We forgot to congratulate a few members
of the Newk family, on the birth of their first
child, Marco.

So to Jerry and Tammie, we say...

"He's beautiful, and we are totally jealous of that
great head of hair he came out with."

Friday, May 21, 2010

We Should Explain

We rarely feel the need to explain anything
to anyone.

But we feel like telling you all something.

You may have noticed a little bit of a lack of
news/content/stories around here as of late.

It's not our fault.

There is nothing going on around here, other
than high school sports, and missing kids in Arnold.

If there is one thing we are good at, it's taking a boring
local news story, and making it worth reading.

That's what we do.

But if there are no boring stories, we have nothing.

(Well, we could always take a nap.)

So yeah, that's the reason we've been boring the pants
off of you lately.

Speaking of having no pants on...

We currently aren't wearing any.

And we're having a beer.

If pantsless beer consumption were an Olympic
we'd at least get the bronze.

Have a good weekend, people.

And maybe something worthwhile will happen, and
we'll make it interesting.

Now get out there and make us proud.


Here is your Newk weekend weather report:

"It's gonna be warm and wet. Just like I like it."

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Thursday Stuff

First off, Tuesday's picture game was figured out
by Brian on our facebook page.

The answer was the mosaic tile on the Citizen's Bank
building downtown New Ken.


Also, we've received a few emails about sponsoring
teams for different events.

We would love to do that type of stuff.

But we are broke.

We don't make money here.

If you can figure out a way for us to make money here,
please email us.

Cause the I heart Biff shirts aren't flying out the door.


Speaking of emails, here is another one from superfan
Frank the Stank...

Hey dudes It's Frank the Stank. I didnt realize how many people
read your site. Because I can't even go into the freeport road sunoco
without being asked for an autograph. I was thinking about getting
some sweet ass headshots taken of me. Can you get me Daivd Cooper's
number? I might even book an appearance at a car show at
the Brusters in burrell. NICE!

Frank the Stank

Well, Mr. the Stank...

We assume you are talking about David Cooper for your
photography needs. If so, you can check his stuff and contact
him at

As always, thanks for the email.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Primary Pain In Our Ass

We couldn't be more excited that yesterday's
primary election is over.


If we found one more piece of "vote for me" crap
on our door as we returned home from work, we
would have punched ourselves right in the pie-hole.

We hate being bothered at home.

Leave us alone.

We are probably very busy doing something of
grave importance, like...

Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Catching up on our DVR.
Texting our friends.
Having a Wild Blue with some hot chick.
Thinking about napping.
Playing Modern Warfare 2.
Watching the Deadliest Catch.

So there you have it.

Just a small list of things we could be doing, that
we can't be bothered during.

We are also tired of staring at the insane amount of
roadside signs for the candidates.

Especially the one with the chili pepper on it.

Who was that d-bag anyways?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Game Time Tuesday

Yeah, we are doing other stuff.

So we are going to play that game again.

The one where we take an image and focus on one part
of it, and you all try to guess what it is.

Most of you could care less, and that's fine.

Because we could care less, that you care less.

Suck on that.

Let's do this...

Seriously, this is a super hard one.

If you get it, we will be very impressed with you.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Random Picture Monday (05-17-10)

We miss this place.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Is Brackenridge Still With Us?

According to Lee Hendricks, a microburst hit the
quaint town of Brackenridge Wednesday night.

You are probably asking yourself, "Who the heckfire
is Lee Hendricks?"

Let it go.

He's not that interesting.

You may also be asking yourself, "What the heckfire
is a microburst?"

That's easy.

It's a collapsing thunderstorm.


You may also be asking yourself, "What the heckfire
is a heckfire?"

Go watch Groundhog Day, and pay close attention
to Ned Ryerson.

Oh, so back to the storm.

It blew over some big ass trees.

Nobody was hurt.

But a Jeep something or other was crushed.

Another tree fell on a house in the Heights.
As well as another on a home in West Deer.

So, are you surprised we haven't turned the word
'microburst' into a constant flow of fart jokes?

Because that is what we intended this post to be.

Because we love farts, and fart jokes.

They are hilarious.

Unless they come out of our friend Touly.
Nothing is funny about those.

Speaking of weather...

Here is your Newk weekend weather report:

"After today, it's party weather. Enjoy."

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Meh x2

The Pens lost.

We are not happy.

We don't have anything for you today.

Don't hate us.

We will make it up to you.

Don't we always?

Good season, Boys.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

300 / We're Back / Wiener Clues

This is our 300th post.

Suck it, haters.


Obviously, we are back.

Glad we could clear that up.


This past Monday, we posted a picture of the "Wieners"
sign inside the Giant Eagle.

We said it was a clue for an upcoming post.

We weren't lying.

Here is said picture:

You may be asking yourself, "why did they take a
picture of the Wieners sign?"

And the answer is simple.

We are pervs.

But honestly, something about that section struck as
really strange that night.

See, it was Mother's Day, around 9pm or so.

We were doing our weekly shopping for jumbo and diet
Dr Pepper.

We came around the final corner, just past the milk, and
noticed something odd about the wieners section.

It was completely empty of wieners.

Seriously, it was like an Omega Mu mixer.
(If you got that reference, we love you.)

Here is a picture...

We asked ourselves...

"Are wieners the official food of Mother's Day?"

We then chuckled as we thought longer about that.

Whatever the case may be, it was a spooky sight.

The lack of wieners in Giant Eagle, made us uncomfortable,
yet oddly masculine.

We didn't ask any of the helpful staff about the lack of
wiener in the store.

That question would have ruined our masculinity
explosion for the night.

So this remains an unsolved mystery.

But it is an open case.

If you have any leads or theories, please email them
to us here at

Peace, Ya'll.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

We Are Down

We are down.

But we are far from out.

Just a few minor difficulties here.

Not to worry.

You can't keep a good site down for long.

(This is not media hype, or some sort of ploy
to get our names in the papers. But we know they
are reading this, so they are more than welcome to
blab about us in the fish wrapper.)

Stay tuned.
Don't panic.
Keep dry.
Send money.

Go Pens.

Monday, May 10, 2010

That's What She Said

This picture isn't all that random, as you'll see tomorrow.

That's a bit of a hint at tomorrow's post.

We expect a huge number of views, as we figure all the
perverts will show up to see what all the hub-ub is about.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Let's Smooth Things Over

As we drove home to watch the Penguins game, with
our delicious clucker chicken salad from Stella's, we
noticed a difference in our ride down Constitution.

It didn't feel like the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

Did we finally have proper tire pressure?
Were we riding on a cloud?
Were our seats made out of Charmin?
Were we riding on a cloud with Charmin seats?


None of those things could ever happen.
(Especially the tire pressure. Inflatables freak us out.)

Now, if you all remember a while back, we wrote a
little piece about paving half of Constitution, and how
ridiculous it sounded.

But after our smooth sailing tonight, we take it all back.

The half-pave job is working for us.


Maybe we should wait until we cruise down the unpaved
side tomorrow morning on our way to work.

Then we will retract our previous ridicules.

Until then, here are some pictures we snapped...


Here is your Newk Weekend Weather Report

"It's gonna be a typical Newk weekend."

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Can We Borrow A Cup Of Sugar, And A Bridge?

Here is an item that you probably won't find
on craigslist too often.

A pedestrian bridge.

And lucky for Lower Burrell, New Ken didn't list
it for sale online, cause we here at the Newk
would have snapped that sucker up for sure.
Why would we need a pedestrian bridge?

Because we have a river of bills and fan mail that
we need to cross on a daily basis, to get to our
keurig coffee machine each morning.

We aren't bringing up our bills because we want you
to donate money and get a sweet I <3 Biff shirt
(as seen to the right of your screen).

We are just saying we want a friggin' bridge.
Cause some day MTV Cribs is gonna come to our office,
and how baller would that be if there
were just a bridge chilling in there?

Back to the story...

New Ken had a bridge sitting around, because some big
grant fell through and the project couldn't be completed.

Lower Burrell lost a bridge at Wolf Pack Park back in 2004,
due to the Hurricane Ivan floods.

We had a bridge, they needed one.
Seems simple enough.

That's what neighbors do for each other.

Well, we'd like to think that the LBC would do
the same for us, but we doubt a situation identical
to this one would ever arise.

Lower Burrell is thinking of putting in a dog park
at Burrell Lake Park, and also considering a dek hockey
court, or a skate park at the park by their municipal

Big plans afoot, in the LBC.

Due to the title of this entry, we wanted to show our
two favorite sweet things...



Wednesday, May 5, 2010

We Love A Shutout, and Cinco De Mayo

Last night the Penguins played the Habs in
game 3 of the conference semifinals.

We got together with friends to eat Rosa's pizza
and drink beers.

The Pens won 2-0 to go up 2-1 in the series.

We had a little too much fun.

We have not read any local news, nor do we intend
to at this point of the night.

Please understand we are not robots sent back
in time to amuse you on a daily basis.

Some days/weeks, even we need a bit of a break.

If you have an issue with that, please send us an
email to

Have a great Cinco De Mayo.

Also, do not look at the calendar on the side of
your screen.

As a friend pointed out to us last night, that we
still have April's events listed.

Damn, we suck these days.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

We Love The Sweet Stuff

We got an email a few days ago that got us all
excited and stuff.

We get lots of great emails, but we get too few
with the subject matter that this one had.

And instead of teasing you, we are just going to tell
you about it.

We are calling this:
No Nonsense Tuesday

There is going to be a bake sale.

That's right, we said it...a BAKE SALE!!!

OMG, we luva bake sale.

Nom nom nom...

And what makes it even better, is all the proceeds go
toward ending childhood hunger in America.

Can you think of a better reason to break a diet?

So here are the details, and a link to even more details.

June 5th
@ the New Ken Eagles (Back Lot)

Go there and read, cause they need volunteers and
prizes and all kinds of other stuff you people
can probably help with.

Is that not the sexiest picture you have ever seen?

Monday, May 3, 2010

Random Picture Monday (05-03-10)

Rosa's Pizza rules our world.
(You gotta try the bbq pulled pork pie.)