Thursday, March 31, 2011

If It's Yellow, Let It Mellow

For us, as with many of you, our water/sewage/garbage
bill is due today.

Is it just us, or is getting more expensive to drop a deuce
in this town?

We remember our bill being much less not so long ago.

What the heck happen?

It's not like there's a water shortage around here.

Hell, it rained for a month straight.

Now, we understand, it's not that simple.

There is a process to make the water safe, and to get it to
our homes, blah blah blah...

But cut us a little slack here.

We try to "let it mellow" as often as possible, and obviously,
"if it's brown, we flush it down."

We're just not sure where else we can cut back...

Put a brick in the toilet tank?
Make sure to not let the water run while brushing our pearly whites?
Just hit the necessities when we shower?
(Pits, Junk and Face)
Not in that order obviously.
Triple stuffing our washing machine?

We plan on trying many of these options.

And we surely won't pay that bill even one day after
it's due date.

Because the extra 10% that gets tacked on, will cause us to miss our
Thursday night out drinking.

And we can't have that, now can we?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Oh My Gawd!

Last week, we all experienced some rather crazy
weather around these parts.

None of us got it as bad as Hempfield Township.

This video proves that.

This video is also epic, and was featured on Jimmy Kimmel.

Now link this to all your friends, so they can enjoy it with you.

Happy Hump Day.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Case Of The Mondays

Our Monday stunk.

It was long.
It was hard.

And it's over.

Sometimes those days happen.

We realize that.

That doesn't make them any easier to deal
with as they're happening.

Now, as we are writing this, we feel as though we are
heading in a very negative direction.

We don't like negativity around here.

So we are gonna snap out of it.


We're over it.

Negativity breeds negativity.

The last thing we want is for our readers to be walking
around all angry-faced on this glorious Tuesday.


Look out of your office/car/school/bathroom window, and
just take a look at that sun shining on this beautiful world
that we are so lucky to be living in.

(If the sun isn't shining when you are reading this, please try
to use your imagination, and humor us a little. Thank you.)

Things are never as bad as they seem.

Unless you are dying.

That's pretty bad.

There is good to be found in just about everything else.

Sometimes you just gotta look for it.

It may be hiding a little.

But it's there.

We promise.

So the next time life smacks you in the face, or as it
did for us yesterday... stomp your nads, just remember
the good is there.

You just gotta open your eyes.


Q: So, what the hell does this have to do with New Kensington?

A: There is good here.
And we are trying to help people open their eyes and see it.

Is it working?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Random Picture Monday (03-28-11)

Yeah, we know... it's a sweet picture.

Friday, March 25, 2011

It's Friday, Huh?

You should feel lucky that we even posted this.

It was a long night at "Name That Tune" at the Blind Pig.

Of course we were awesome.


This clip is Friday relevant.


Have a great weekend, Newkers.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

We're Viral

No, we don't have some crazy disease.

Viral is an internet term that means we're awesome.

Actually, this is really what it means...

Viral, when used as a computer term, refers to a
reoccurring practice or pattern of Internet use that moves
from person to person.

Okay, enough nerd speak.

Seriously though, we are quite popular these days.

And there are plenty of ways to stay in touch with every single
word that flows from our masculine, yet gentle, hands.

#1: The Website

This one is rather self explanatory.

You are here already.

So just remember how you got here.

#2: Our Facebook Page
This is where we post daily about the daily stuff we post here.

That last sentence blew your mind, didn't it?

Here is the link

Become a fan, or "like" it.
(Whatever the hell they call it these days.)

#3: Our Twitter Page
That's right, we Twitter.

We didn't do much with it before, but look out, cause we
are about to twitter your faces off.

Here's the link.

Follow us, and instantly become 43% cooler.

#4: Our Youtube Channel
This is where you can watch our videos.

Not like our home videos of us partying and stuff.

It's the videos we've made about this area.

Here's the link.

Subscribe to our channel, and get updates when we upload stuff.


There is an event we'd like to tell you about.

Spring is here, and your house needs to smell better.

Why not buy some yummy smelling candles?

Go here!

PartyLite Open House
Saturday, March 26
12pm to 4pm
New Kensington Eagles

Huge PartyLite Display
Cash n' Carry
Raffles and Prizes
Sample Two Sisters Gourmet

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Urban Renewal In The Newk

You people are on fire.

If you keep sending us awesome emails, we may have enough
time to finally leave our parents basement and see what this
"fresh air" stuff is all about.

Get a load of this...

Guys, if you are in a pinch for a pic, you can thank my wife for dutifully snapping the shots that I put together in this composite to show the progression from eyesore to potential for something better. Take care, and HAPPY SPRING!!

Huge thanks to Top 10 Reader Ed, and Top Ten Reader
Ed's Wife!

You both rock.

Keep reading, and keep being awesome humans.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

What Happened To Pizza Fest?

Every now and again, an email stands out over the others.

This is one of those emails.

Actually, it's a masterwork.

This person rules.

Hey Guys-

Just wanted to tell you that I love your site, I've been reading just about daily for over a year now. You probably won't tell me, BUT who are you??? I think I might know at least one of you, I'm pretty sure we graduated the same year at Valley... Did you know Ms. Dunn NO longer teaches swim? How upsetting is that? Last I heard, she actually was the health teacher and she rides around in one of those old person scooters. Remember her obsession with Mickey Mouse? Anyways, like I was saying, I totally know one of you. Those Biff shirts are awesome, if you are who I think you are, you should totally hook me up with one, a small should fit.

OK- so I'm e-mailing you for a specific reason. I remember reading about starting Pizza Fest. I don't, however, remember reading about any actual pizza eating? What is up with that NEWK? I have a whole list of pizza places you can go try out. Hell, I'd even go with you. Actually, what do you say? Need another belly to fill on your dime?

Well regardless, I wanted to tell you about a trip I recently took to Eazers. I even took pictures for you! (I'm totally not trying to get on your website, although a first time shout out would be friggin awesome) Back to my breakfast. It really was like the best breakfast ever, I hadn't been to Eazers in YEARS, for whatever reason I kept choosing Kings and Dennys and Eat-n-Parks for quick and local meals... GAG, RIGHT?

So anyways- I may or may not have still been drunk... so when I opened the menu to find a 20oz glass of Kool-aid for $1.50 I almost pee'd my pants... I regret not ordering it, I should have at least asked what flavor they had stirred up that day, but I didn't and I must live with that choice. I opted for a chocolate milkshake and that, my friends, was NOT something I regret. It was effing delicious. After about an hour we finally decided what we wanted to eat.. and it was... Chocolate Chip Pancakes, over easy eggs bacon and , hands down, the best Syrian bread in the world. OH and also some sort of breakfast scramble that came with potatoes and eggs and peppers and probably sausage too, Like I said I may or may not have still been drunk so I don't recall the name, or the actual ingredients, All I know is, it came with more of that wonderful bread and it was the bomb. OH, and it contained two slices of land o lakes yellow american cheese melted on top. It was the best breakfast I've had in a while.

At one point while enjoying this feast, I seen a couple of dark eyes peering over the partition.... these weren't the eyes of an innocent, curious child either. It was a little on the creep-o side, BUT the fact that that thin orange plastic, a little duct tape, and some elbow grease kept those creepy peepers from making direct eye contact, was extremely comforting. We left, after a couple hours, a few apple juices and chocolate milks later, feeling full to the max, a little bit tired, and a lot a bit like the family of Eazers was OUR family. I really don't know why it had been such a long time in between stops at this restaurant. I do know that the food and the atmosphere was comforting, the whole experience, drunk or sober was somewhat nostalgic. It reminded me of what a great town I'm from. Little family run restaurants that have stood the test of time, in my partially run down city, makes this a place I want to be apart of forever. Even if brown eyed creepy crawlies are lurking on the opposite side of the booth.

I wanted to share our experience with you because you are one of the very few people(s) to openly share your passion for the good of the town, and the strength of the community. I'm on your side NEWK. I want good things to come to and from my town, and I want to help make the difference. I applaud you for the positive mark you are leaving. It's beyond inspiring.

Now when is your party? Me and my hot friends want on the VIP list.

-Born and Raised NEWKette.


Thanks so much Newkette!

Awesome write up and pictures!

But we are sad to inform you, that you probably don't know us.

We hid in dark corners in high school, and only talked
to teachers and other blog nerds.
(Even though blogs weren't invented yet.)

But Pizza Fest will still happen.

And our party planning is in the works.

Stay tuned, and keep those friends on standby.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Random Picture Monday (03-21-11)

Being J-Dub has its advantages.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Friday Friday

We are hungover.

Here is a video for you to watch.

It's terrible.

You'll love it.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

St. Patrick's Day 2011

We don't have any available hands to write anything.

As they are all filled with beers.

Tall. Cold. Beers.

We suggest you have one as well.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone.

Be safe out there.

Here is our gift to you.

See if you can translate the 0:15 mark any better than this...

Der peeps der peeps, verj beer ne gool...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Getting Ready For Tomorrow

Seeing that we've got a bit of Irish blood among us
here at theNewk, St. Patrick's Day is one of our
favorite days of the year.


A day in which drinking to excess and listening to great
music is looked upon as not only okay, it's actually encouraged.

The one thing we need to decide each year, is where are we
going to sport our "You must be Irish, cause my penis is Dublin."

Yeah, we really have one.

This year's decision is turning out to be an easy one.

As one of our most favored watering holes is having their
annual St. Paddy's Day Party.

Yep, The Blind Pig Saloon will be featuring green beers and
Guinness specials.

With live music by Barbary Wine.

It's sure to be a great evening at the pig.

Time: Thursday, March 17 · 7:30pm - 10:30pm

Blind Pig Saloon 1100 7th Street Ext.

So gather up your green gear, and head on out tomorrow
night for what's sure to be a great time.

Maybe we'll buy you a shot of Jameson?

(But that's not likely.)

Make sure you tip the bartenders.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

What The Hell Happened?

Before we get started, we fully understand that
we're super awesome and everyone wants to
read every single semi-meaningless thought that
pours from our well manicured fingertips.
(And perky rack, by the looks of this picture...)

But what's been going on around here, has even our
huge ego'd craniums searching for an answer.

Before we explain what we're talking about, we should
let you know that this website isn't a popularity contest.

And we don't check our hit stats on a daily basis, to see if
more people than our mothers are actually reading this mess.

We actually have meaningful lives, and don't need
validation at all times of the day.


We are total liars.

We do require much validation and constant praise
to be happy.

The only part that was true back there, is when we said we don't
check our stats daily.

We actually check them hourly.

And as we checked them this past weekend, we noticed a huge
surge in page views, especially views from new readers.

What stood out most was the Friday views.
We didn't even think people went on the internet on Fridays?

But Thursday, Friday and Saturday had large numbers...

Like a seriously big jump in numbers.

Big enough that we are actually writing about people reading
our site, that you, are sitting there reading about right now.

Wrap your nugget around that sentence.

So anyways, we are asking for someone to explain this to us.

What drove all these people to our site?

We know it's not our charm and wit.

Even though those things don't hurt our readership.

Seriously though.

Post how you heard about us, either here or on our
facebook page.

Did you read about us somewhere?
Did a friend tell you about us?
Did you google "awesome," and we came up?

We'd like all stories.

But especially why our stats rose so much, late last week.


Editors Note:
The Saturday numbers are also staggering,
as we don't even
post on that day.
(As Angry Rich will tell you all about.)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Random Picture Monday (03-14-11)

Every time we see this bridge, we know we're home.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Movie Stars Abound

Yesterday, a mega-star visited the Newk area.

He was at one of our local business establishments.

If you were one of the few that got to witness his excellence,
well... good for you, you lucky bastage.

So, we've kept you in suspense for too long already.

(Honestly, we are getting ready to go drinking, and we gotta
wrap this up.)

One of our favorite people in the world took a picture and
decided to share it with all of you.

Here you go...

That's right!

It's Vince the Sham-wow guy!

Look at that crowd he gathered.

Whew, that guy is good!

Editor's Note:
We have been told that this is in fact NOT Vince the
Sham-wow guy.

And it just some random sales guy that works at the Kmart.

If you were able to get Vince's autograph on your knockers
or something cool like that, please forward pictures to

Thanks friend, have a great weekend!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Fish Don't Fry In The Kitchen

Beans don't burn on the grill.

Okay okay.

It's fish dinner season here in the Newk.

And we wanted to tell you about a couple of the places
where you can get your fish fix.

But first, we should be honest with you.

We aren't the most religious of people here at

But damn it, we love a good fish fry.

So every lent, we try to pack in as much deep-fried deliciousness
that we possibly can.

And the fact that we can wash it down with tartar sauce, and
hot sauce, and copious amounts of mac-n-cheese...

Makes us think there might actually be a god above.

Now look, we understand that religion is a hot button issue, not
only in this town, or this country, or this world.

And we fully expect a few of our spiritual readers to send some
blessed emails our way.

So we'll thank you all in advance for those.

Enough talkie talkie, lets get to the grub...

The first place listed is our personal favorite.

We've been eating their sandwiches for may years.
New Kensington Volunteer Fire Department No. 4
1710 Seventh St.
3 to 7 p.m. Fridays through April 15, and 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. April 22.

Menu: fish dinner with roll, cole slaw and choice of french fries or macaroni and cheese, $8.25; baked fish dinner with roll, coleslaw, choice of french fries or macaroni and cheese, $8.75; regular fish only, $6.25, sandwich only, $7.25; baked fish only, $6.75, sandwich only, $7.50. Al a carte items: macaroni and cheese, french fries, clam chowder, haluski, coleslaw, hoagie bun, dinner roll and pop. Local deliveries available.
Orders: 724-335-4400.

(Big shout out to our man Donny working the fryers.)

Here is the other local spot for fish...

Mount St. Peter: Marble Hall
100 Freeport Road
11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Fridays through April 15

Menu: baked or fried fish dinner, steak fries and coleslaw, $8.50; fish sandwich, fried shrimp basket, or pasta aglio e oglio, $7; linguini and clam sauce (white or red), $8. A la carte: linguini and white clam sauce, aglio e oglio, baked macaroni and cheese, pasta fagiole, New England clam chowder, salad, steak fries, coleslaw, pop and coffee. Takeouts: 724-335-1458. Delivery available locally with a minimum order of five from noon to 1.

So get out there and support.

And get some pretty good food for your efforts as well.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Puff Puff Moose

Why is it, that when we talk about Leechburg, it's
generally drug related?

Maybe there isn't much else going on down there?

Whatever the reason, another Cheechburg doper
has made the news.

This time, the youth awareness chairman for the Leechburg
Loyal Order of Moose was busted smoking weed with a
group of high school children on their way back from a
Moose sponsored field trip.

The man accused of doing this had his lawyer denying the
charges as of yesterday.

And we are not here to sway you one way or the other.

But here is what we've heard.

7 students all age 17 went on an overnight trip with the
aforementioned gentleman and his girlfriend.

Their ages are 31 and 33.

The children participated in a program, that made them eligible
for a college scholarship.

The program trains high school students to educate preschool
and elementary school children on a variety of topics, such
as drug and alcohol abuse prevention, child abuse,
"stranger danger," bullying and peer pressure.

On the way home on I-80, is when police say the
dope-smoking occurred.

The guy is charged with recklessly endangering children, and
corruption of minors.

This story is crazy.

Now listen, we aren't model citizens here, and we understand
that situations can get out of control.

But, to allow children to smoke weed at any time, especially
on a school oriented trip is just ridiculous.

Smarten up, people.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Answering Your Questions

Today, we plan on answering a few emails we've received recently.

We get a good bit of email, that resemble the forthcoming ones.

This is a nice way for us to clear up some common questions
every now and again.

Let's get this party started...

Dear theNewK,

I try and read your website every day. It really cracks me up. I just wanted to know why you do it?



Well, A.

This is a common question, that we have a simple answer to.

It's because we are proud of where we are from, and grew tired
of people (even it's own citizens) talking bad about it.

Some residents would lower their heads when asked where they
are from.

That does not make us happy.

So we decided to try and change the mindset of our fellow Newkers.

We have a lot to be proud of, but nobody seemed to be pointing
those things out.

So here we are.

Like us or hate us, we decided to try and change how this town/area
is perceived by the masses.

And we don't plan on stopping any time soon.

Hi Newk,

Who writes this site?

I think I know you.

Hello Jennifer.

This question finds its way to our inbox weekly.

We generally answer it by responding...

"We're Batman."

But today, we will answer this question for real.

It's time.

We've hidden for long enough.

We are not Batman, we are...

Michael Keaton.

Yo newk dudes
Whats the haps on the bday party you was talkin bout a little while back? you know ima be there.

frank the stank
What up, Frank?

So yeah, we are trying to get some stuff squared away
with the party planning committee.
(That we so lovingly call "The Spirit Fingers Gang.")

As soon as we have a date, place, reason... we will tell everyone
about it asap.

That concludes our email answering session for today.

Have a great Tuesday, friends.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Random Picture Monday (03-07-11)

Giant Eagle has all the fresh Newk merch.

Friday, March 4, 2011

That's A Huge Hole

Now that we've got your attention with that headline.

Not only is it Girl Scout Cookie Season, which we so
lovingly talked about yesterday.


It's also Fill In Those Damn Potholes Season as well.

And we saw a lovely sight as we ventured out yesterday
(for the first time this week).

An empty truck that looks as though it housed asphalt,
used to fill in those blimey p-holes.

And as we drove around the Newk on that sunny afternoon, we
did notice a bit of a smoother ride.

These are things we like to see.

As we aren't the type to bitch and moan about many things.

Other than that traffic light at 9th and Fifth.

So before we even complained about potholes, the street
department was already out and on top of the situation.

Once again, we see our tax dollars being used in our best interest.

Well done, New Kensington.

Well done.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Our Favorite Time Of Year

It's Girl Scout Cookie Season!

As many of you already know, it's the best time of
year for those delicious little treats.

Dolce de Leche

and our personal favorites...

Thin Mints!
Honestly, other than the holiday season, there is no
happier time in this area.

People are nicer to each other.

It's a fact.

In the off chance you didn't order any delicious cookies
from one of your neighborhood girl scouts...

We know that they will be selling these treats outside of
places like Giant Eagle over the coming weeks.

Buy a couple boxes.

And remember how good it feels to smile.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Too Kind

Yesterday we told you about the sickness that has
gripped theNewk team.

Although our request for soup went unfulfilled, there
was a large showing of concern vie email.

(The source we suspect led to our illness.)

Within the numerous emails, there was one in particular
that stood out above the others.

Please note, we appreciate all of the well wishes.

It's just we thought this one was the best, and most sincere.

Hey newk
I just seen that you all was sick and stuff and that made me sad. i hate being sick yo. its the werst. What kind a sick are you. is it the kind that got your head feelin like a baloon filled with wet sand. Or is it the kind that makes you sit on the toilet a whole bunch until it hurts to whipe? What ever it is i hope you feel way better like really soon. Id hate to not have somewheres to get my daily news. Eat the vitaminC. My moms said that helps.

feel better
frank the stank md.
Thank you Dr. The Stank, for the care and support you
extended our way.

It's nice to know we are in your thoughts.

And we're not trying to say that your mother is wrong, but
it's been proven that the use/overuse of vitamin C does not
help in battling a head cold.

Or any ailment for that matter.

But if taking it makes you feel better, we suggest you
continue using it.

We're gonna go pound some clear liquids, and try not to
cough on each other.


Charlie Sheen has nothing to do with the Newk, or
our sickness.

But he's everywhere else, so this is our way of staying on top
of current events.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Damn You Germs

That's it.

We're closing our email address.

Not because we don't like getting emails from you all.

Because we do.

We love it actually.

It's because we are all sick.

The reason we are all sick must be because of an
email virus.

It's the only explanation.

Because we never leave theNewk offices.
(Other than to go drinking on Thursday nights,
but alcohol
kills germs, so that can't be it.)

So we are blaming email.

One of you must have sneezed on your screen while writing us.

Cause we got it, and we got it bad.

Damn you all.

We are going to mix up a granny inspired hot toddy, and get
some much needed rest.

Don't worry...

If something important happens around here, like flooding
or something, we will be sure to tell you about it.

Someone bring us some soup.