Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sidewalks and New Ken Zombies

The following rant was sent to our email yesterday.

It was so good, we just had to post it.


Sidewalks and New Ken Zombies I leave my house earlier this evening, and as I get into the car, I see this little fat kid standing in the middle of the street. He’s maybe twelve. He’s not doing much of anything. Seems his primary duty at that moment is simply to stand in the middle of the street, facing traffic and staring down the oncoming vehicles with the utter certainty that only comes with being a kid.

The oncoming cars slow down and angrily work their way around him. He’s not really bothered by this, and only moves when he’s good and ready. I’m taking this in, and assume that the child is simply stupid. There are stupid people everywhere, and this must be one of them.

Got me to thinking, though…there’s a curious phenomenon here in New Kensington that involves the middle of the street. There are perfectly good sidewalks on either side, but more often than not I see aforementioned stupid people avoiding them like they’re radioactive or toxic or something.

I don’t get it. I’m a recent transplant to this area. I’m from Beaver County, the land that’s more sub- than –urban. I had no sidewalks growing up, and burned with envy at the fortunate city kids that could rollerskate or skateboard or whatever on their paved utopias. Have you ever tried to rollerskate on gravel? It sucks.

So now I’m a grownup and live in a town with sidewalks. What do I see? I see countless morons who find it more prudent to walk down the middle of the street. What gives? I’ve been observing this trend for a while, and find it exclusive to this area. There’s no common thread…it’s universal among race, gender, and age. No one group owns this particular brand of stupidity, and I simply don’t get it. The local stray cats know better. I watch them too. Can someone explain this to me? I understand if it’s January and the sidewalks are clogged with snow, but seriously, it’s freakin’ October.

There are a few types…there’s the thuggin’ gangsta that has a cell phone in one hand and his (or her) waistband in the other. There’s the stupid kid that honestly doesn’t know any better (I hear Darwin knocking on that door.) There’s the elderly and/or the obese scooting in their getaround with the orange safety flag flying in the wind.

And then there are the zombies. Yes, the New Ken zombies. The ones that shamble along at a maddeningly slow pace, with no real purpose or destination, often covered in dirt. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen them. You know they’re real. Yes, they’re probably just drunk, but I’m not going near them to administer a breathalyzer. I don’t want to be eaten. I’ve seen the movies. I know what zombies do.

As I said, I’m new here. If there’s some anti-sidewalk ordinance or unwritten ancient tradition, please let me in on it. I really want to know. If not, then get your ass out of the street. Otherwise, I’m gonna sling some tires on all sides of my car and bump idiots out of my way, tugboat-style. You’ve been warned.


We can't express how awesome it feels when we get something like this
in our inbox.

First, the fact that someone took the time to write something so good, and
choose to send it to us, is awesome.

Second, it totally gives us a day off.

We will not crown this as the best email we have ever received.

Let us just say, that it is in the top 3.

Got something you'd like to share?

Send it to


Post a Comment

Thanks for the input. Keep it real.